Writing about writing
This process has not been easy, and that doesn't even express the weirdness of it. Fear most of all, because I'm revealing a lot in each word, and this time I'm not using someone else to say these words.
It's taken more than a year by now, and today I'm still drafting because some thoughts don't seem to fit very well, and changes keep on appearing as time goes by and some stories still remain unwritten. Mainly, I can't write about unfinished business. So I've noticed that writing this book has shown me that in order to write what needs to be said, some stories needed closure. And I'm so happy to see it happen. I still need to wait for other stories, but the ones that are ready now are giving me the courage needed to speak, so moving on. Sailing
I was standing on the dock staring at your indifference, just becoming aware of each second that passed by and I hesitated more.
I stood there understanding that any decision I made would not be real, because the ocean and wind were telling me this was a dream.
I couldn't figure out why my feet were still frozen and motionless, but you didn't say much to get me out of that state of numbness, I believe you were waiting for me to walk away.
The truth is you didn't know what I knew, for you it was another ride, another opportunity to float away, but for me it felt like a golden moment to share some time with you, because my mind new it would end, and I would wake up.
So I moved, and I got on the boat, laughing at the silliness of the whole deal: you riding a ridiculous and enormous boat, an old lady in a fancy state room, and waiting for his crew to take her to a fancy island. This is when I found out you were on a work mission, and I was just providing company.
Still we never saw her, stepping out of her kingdom, and you took the time to teach me how to hear the ocean, how to understand what the nights mean when you're away from land, gazing at the beauty of it all is something that I could not describe with words.
My notion of reality was too loud, and knowing that I was dreaming and that I would wake up at any moment made me stare at your smile for hours; remembering your sleeping pattern and the short time when I knew you.
Hours went by with a continuous alarm in my head but also tasting every moment of your presence. Because the second I woke up, laughing at the irony of this, I knew that one single encounter, had made me miss you all this time.
That smile in from of that bar will always remain as the most honest smiles I've given. Because in the past I've asked for the smile back, but in your case, it'll always belong to you.
But I am hell bound Many would tell you that my head spins around reasons, excuses and answers to questions that arise as we start getting closer, you seem to be nearby and my mind just reacts. I'm not sure still what it is that attracts me to you but as long as I don't put my finger on it, things won't stop bouncing... and unfortunately, that means you might feel I'm being evasive. And I am, very much. Because, being around you makes me miss them too much, and that sets an alarm in my heart. You remind me of how much I miss every detail of single encounters, even those framed in a a 5 hours box. It aches loving tiny pieces of memories, and you seem to bring that in me. Being completely honest, I've been a junkie for infatuations for too long, but now I'm just not sure if I have the energy to start a new one. There's so much fear and low expectations that might be interfering with these signals you try to send my way. It seems that you might have a plan, and my smashed ego appreciates that, it truly does. These words go out to you because it could be easier to just break the magic before it begins, just as long as my body continues to move towards you, we'll have to figure it out in total darkness. My heart is so hungry that might just eat anything that passes by. Lyrics by Imagine Dragons When the days are cold And the cards all fold And the saints we see Are all made of gold When your dreams all fail And the ones we hail Are the worst of all And the blood's run stale I want to hide the truth I want to shelter you But with the beast inside There's nowhere we can hide No matter what we breed We still are made of greed This is my kingdom come This is my kingdom come When you feel my heat Look into my eyes It's where my demons hide It's where my demons hide Don't get too close It's dark inside It's where my demons hide It's where my demons hide When the curtain's call Is the last of all When the lights fade out All the sinners crawl So they dug your grave And the masquerade Will come calling out At the mess you made Don't want to let you down But I am hell bound Though this is all for you Don't want to hide the truth No matter what we breed We still are made of greed This is my kingdom come This is my kingdom come Temporally Off
A book is being written.
It's All Coming Down
Promise you'll hold my hand all the way 'till the end,
if I couldn't trust your words before, I need to do it now.
There's one spot that has my name on bright fonts
A clear number on a hot sit that calls for my presence
and I won't do much to avoid it
not any more,
it's all coming down.
I've created this path of heavy words all these years
and now they seem to come together to break through
easy would be to say that I can't do anything to help it
but I am the one pressing the keyboard...
...this needs to come out.
Promise me you'll hold my hand all the way 'till the end,
because I've done wrong and once they know
they'll know.
Help me burn these bridges between my stories and them
not because they should know,
but because I keep on looking for ways to crash
and this one sounds like my greatest move.
"Your bridges are burning down
They're all coming down
It's all coming round
You're burning them down
It's all coming round
They're all coming down"
Foo Fighters
We're Temporary Try again, I really don't mind, I know better than you that this solution of yours is only temporary, and the issue that brings you back to me will keep on transforming until you realize that you're only pretending. Blow me off and hide me within the chapters, I'll be free in there, your karma will keep me company just until a new page comes along, trying to tell a new story, trying to yell inside of me, all those things I make you feel. I'll hide in here, for as long as you need me to, pretending to be that understanding soul, that partner who pretends for you, who nodes for you. This weird power that can brake your knees so easily. And when you realize I'm not even real, and that you've kept nothing but wet lies, then maybe we could go back to our peaceful state of nothing; not having each other. Maybe then, I'll reveal my most treasured secret to you. *Featuring Wal* No More If I ask someone what they think scares me, most would say not much... but not because it's true, but because I've made them believe so. Because even when I hide behind so many things, I do face many others, and I don't hesitate when it comes to control, whether some people like it or not. I do, I like my hunger for control, and the fact that I feel like a winner most of the time; I hold that power in some situations, and even when it sounds like such an empty thing, it keeps me standing. So when I lose it, when I don't have control and it hurts me, then I must do something, and in that doing this Ana comes along representing that brave figure. That figure people know and enjoy describing and pointing at. That strong figure so soft and vulnerable inside. Strong, brave and all I still need fixing all the time, and most of the fixing I do it myself, as I'm so well used to, but when it gets out of my hands, and my own fixing is out of my control, then I'm in huge trouble. So for this, tonight, you... I can't wait any longer, and I can't trust time or light any more, and these sounds will only get louder, because it's time and I need it. I need peace to come back to my life. So I'll ask you to push me down before you elevate me up above and drop me again. Just because that's what my head needs to heal my heart. These lyrics.. by Coldplay When you try your best, but you don't succeed When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you And high up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you Tears stream down your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down your face And I... Tears stream down your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down your face And I... Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you Fixation Fixation, longing, desire, who knows, but it seems to be pretty clear I give you the same thing the rest of them come looking for. Like if for some kind of treatment, I'd represent the prescription and recipe. Don't worry, I'm aware all the time and usually enjoy providing the proper medicine, because you may ignore this, but your hunger feeds me as well. Hunger for my words, reactions and irony, like the perfect cocktail of what holds this strong image, not always real or natural. So come and lay your head right here, I'll show you that I care once again while my hands caress your hair... we can do this for a while, just as long as my head agrees to this pattern, and before I discover I don't really need this, you. For a While, 2. It goes from bitter to kind in a second, then it changes and jumps to eager, anxious, understanding. Not without feeling sad for a minute. Like a burning sensation that rushes through my spine when I try to define how I feel about this, about you, about such history. It goes from one place to the other, but all with the same foundations of perspectives I own, as simple as one person feeling all these different shapes. Swimming together for so long, and holding on at the last second when you choose not to let us sink and drown... Can't you see it? It always begins with yelling and ends with staring and hugging when I think of us. Only that if I ask you, you would say the hugging never really ends, because what I let you see is just one of the three shapes, because it is what you need... and what you love about us. Twin Size Bed
You know you're done
And you know you don't want this any more
But you also know that it feeds you
And that without it you're just filling yourself with smoke
So what's it gonna be?
Which one will you choose?
Where do you see yourself as the true version of who you are?
And which one just feeds the ego that surrounds you?
Hangman
The thing is, you're not really back... maybe you think you are, but you're not.
I'm here writing, the first post of this year, the first post after such a long time of weird posting and such confusion with this whole deal of expressing myself.. and as I assure myself that I just want to write something honest, you are the first thing that pops in my head.
As much as I wish you were back, things aren't as simple... because now more than ever I doubt you would ever return as you were before. We shaped out relationship that 11+7 and now we just can't change it.
I've been waiting for you, the real you, the one that would stay hours with a device on his ear just to chat away through some situation, or write at late hours to ask silly but meaningful questions... that character that I miss so much, has never returned. Not since he met the other side of us.
I've been waiting... and even when you think you come back as that person, and make me think you are the same hangman you've always been... the truth is much different and bitter, you're not the hangman I still miss and need. The friend hasn't come back since then and I know never will.
I still miss you and I wish things could back to normal, but I guess I adapted and no longer get the cravings for your long calls and your childish questions. I still miss you but I know you won't come back the way I want you to, and I'm not sure how long I can pretend this is the same as before.
Oh hangman, it's not your fault but we both commit this to memory... back in the past.
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