Denial, Revisited

1 voices


Every single day we all have little "wake up"s during our routines. Could be very significant or just simple, but it happens and some people know how to identify them as special signals the universe tries to throw at us. To keep this post as real as it can, I'll give my example from yesterday: while writing a list using a pen tied to a folder by a string, I realized that every 3 words I'd write, the pen would turn one time. By the end of the note I was writing, I realized that the pen was all rolled-up by the string, and that was my "wake up" for that Wednesday.

What's my point with all this? Not to tell you all about these very special moments, 'cause I'd be writing about something you already know. My point with this is to analize how those "experiences" function; as for me everything should have a meaning, and if it not, then we'll write one for it. Turining and rolling the pen while writing is not only my thing, but it defines me... Also connecting me to many others that might have this "things" as well.

For me, the thought from that "wake up" moment was: "this thing I do when I write defines me, what if I lose that?"

So instead of writing more and more sentences about all I might think and question about the universe and its processes, I'll make it as simply as it can get in this box: What If? (Just Me)

- What if I didn't like chocolate?
- What if I was always agree with things?
- What if I was less analytic?
- What if I didn't have my own way to find answers?
- What if I didn't believe in control?
- What if I wasn't sure about what I want?
- What if I accepted all their ideas?
- What if I decided to fit a category?
- What if I stopped being just for living?

The answers seemed easy for me, and then they all said...

Photo: Ruth :)
Lyrics by The Offsprings

So here we go
Having the same old fight again
So there she goes
Same old game that never ends

If I could say
All the right words
I know I could make you stay
If I could say all the right words
Things would work out alright

And if you go
I won't believe
That it's forever

And you can go
I'll never leave
'Cause it's not over

Replay last night
Talking it out don't make it right
I know she's tried, my whole world
is her and all we've got now

And if you go
I won't believe
That it's forever
I won't let go
Even if she says that it's over
I know it'll be
Different this time
If you'd just stay

And when we wrote this story
How did it end?
It was you and me for all our lives
Come on don't say it
We'll try again
And if I'd just hold you
We could last

But she stands softly
Tears down her face
Hitting me, oh God
This is the end
And I'm waiting for you
But there's nothing more now i can do

How did you know
How did you know
How did you know
Finally
Read On

The fish in a blog

0 voices

|||This one is for the a new box

I've spent a long time trying to define what is that we're suppose to call "ourselves". How is that some people say they don't know who they are, or that maybe they're on their way to find out that magic answer.

What is that we are suppose to be? Is it what we do? What we want? what we like? What we love? Or is it the whole thing in a box? (can't help it)

I've spent a long time trying to figure this out, instead of defining that for myself. But I guess that as I'd say it now: I think I always knew, sometimes I'd lost it then find it back, but it never really meant an issue.

But there was something that always kept me wondering, 'cause I couldn't really understand why I had so much trouble expressing myself in first dimensions, why if I felt so determined in a way, I just couldn't put it in words for others to hear me the way I wanted. I needed to find a solution, so I started writing...

The power that came within my writing represented an energy that didn't fill my person and others would see me, I guess I was still afraid of what they would think of me sharing all my thoughts. So this strange person got created, someone who felt like me but was able to accomplish all that I couldn't because of fear.

She could write whatever and just throw it to the world, with such motivation and awareness. I would let her express my ideas in this new space. I didn't need to force myself to do it, for she could do it for me. As since then, she has become this representation of what my reality offers and how my emotions and thoughts have a life on their own. She is free to swim and scream.

Someone asked me once why I would write through her... and the answer lays on how much control I've gained with this magnificent tool. I'll never keep anything for myself anymore, as for Annie will provide the words to make it real for others. Here's her new space, just for her.

*Thanks again for making this possible*

In the photo: Annie Blogfish herself

Lyrics by Audioslave

Someone falls to pieces
Sleeping all alone
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
She finally drifts away
Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
And catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave
Yeah...

And to be yourself is all that you can do
Hey...
To be yourself is all that you can do

Someone finds salvation in everyone
Another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love
Until the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united
Healthy or insane

And to be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)
Yeah..
To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)

To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)
Hey...
Be yourself is all that you can do

even when you've paid enough
been put upon or been held up
with every single memory of
the good or bad, faces of luck
don't lose any sleep tonight
i'm sure everything will end up alright
you may win or lose

But to be yourself is all that you can do
Yeah...
To be yourself is all that you can do
Read On

Scribble Out

5 voices

There's so much you can express, if you think about it, you might discover how wonderful it is to find different ways to give shape to ideas for others to take them and understand them. Each person has magic inside themselves to provide their thoughts to others... but as wonderful it is, the universe throws complications for consequences to get created.

There's such a big difference between speaking your mind and speaking your heart. For some it's easier to express their ideas instead of their feelings, and vice versa but always keeping some information for ourselves and no one else.

Reasons everywhere... like fear, one reason that (I think) we all share: is fear of consequences. We're afraid of what could happen if we say every single thing we're thinking and feeling... 'Cause staying quiet might be safe for our well being, so we keep on saving that part of the information that we're still not ready to express.

That information is represented by feelings more than actual thoughts, because with feelings things are always more vulnerable, and we don't feel we have the control to avoid any kind of uncomfortable situations... or consequences that might hurt deeply. So we get used to have that info locked inside of us.

A week ago someone I met died... Someone who I wish I knew better, but I didn't just because I never really made the decision to say: Let me get to know you better, let's share perspectives, let me tell you how wonderful I think you are, and how much I admire the human you are. Today he's gone and what do I do with that "wasted" information?

We are here today, but what if tomorrow we're gone... What happens with the one that stays with all those words, feelings or thoughts... The one that's gone won't ever get it, and we are the ones that are suppose to stay here and figure out what to do with the things that were not said.

Words must get out.

Photo by Juan M.
Lyrics by Matchbox 20

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell
Read On

Everlong

1 voices

-My utopian reality-

It might be just the way this universe works, but as I've learnt from it the control over change will always make a difference, and the only and very important variable will be willingness.

If the way things appear to happen would depend only on my power and control, then it would not be better, but just perfect for a moment. And the truth is that this is not something new I'm saying here: if anything could feel this real forever.

Not to just one in particular, but to everyone that I've protected behind that glass... just throwing words to them and expecting some reaction behind the fucking glass... Just seeing how they live their lives so far from here, but not leaving me alone just for a second. They can't stay away but they'll keep me hanging for good. Because there's something about me that they can't take as a whole, but they wanna hold on to it as to tear me out in pieces.

Once I had a dream, and I lost them all.. one by one, as chapters, they where dying in front of me and there was nothing I could do to help it. While I was suffering, one very simple thought came to my head and got stucked forever during the dream: "they don't belong to you, you didn't lose them at all"

I never really knew how to figure out why my dream was being so clear, but I knew so... I understood what it meant, it wasn't so hard to swallow. There's a part of them within me, but they're not here, and they'll never be. They came and took a piece of me which keeps bringing them around just to see me head over feet, pretending to take some more... I don't know for how long I can take it...

I've loved them, and I've lost them... even when some of them never really were mine at all... no matter what they say, think or feel... 'Cause the truth is that I'm the one standing here trying to brake the glass... but you're all behind it, waiting for me to brake it... isn't that unfair?

Just my utopian reality~

Photo by: Ryohei Hase
Lyrics by Foo Fighters (fuck you for this song)

Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong

Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red, out of her head she sang

Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me

Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang
Chorus-

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
Verse 2-

Breathe out
So I could breathe you in
Hold you in

And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head I sang
Chorus-

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
Chorus-

And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
Read On

X + Y = N

0 voices

A while ago I wrote something about a certain Mystic. Fun to remember exactly what it means, as for someone who might represent an unknown box, leaving me feeling tempted for discoverying.

But as my experience would tell me, that mystic (a kind of infatuation, or one of its ways) is just the frame of an empty picture. 'Cause the issue has always been the same for me: I keep on creating expectations over a regular line: defining this as the lowest you could expect

People have their own flavor or "mystic" and it might work for some to create a connection.. Heh, oh dear I've been so mistaken.. I've lied to myself by thinking that "this" mystic is what keeps me attached. But hell no... I'm just looking for the way to figure out who they are.

A couple months ago I had an infatuation, heavy and intense, and the boy did not represent that mystic I once wrote about, but a sign "ana you can't get me"... So thanks to him, I just got it.. Which is where now, I base my new perspective: I might be giving too much info about what defines me...

I'm still trying to understand them all, and while doing so.. Infatuations get created.. well then, I'm only human!

Lyrics by Relient K (let's see if you get them)

I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

Whats the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can't, do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time , it's my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like he would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know
Read On

Inked

2 voices


Today I got three new stars in my sky (funny 'cause it's actually my foot). I had the first ones a couple years ago and they each had a meaning, today three new ones come to meet with them and expand my universe!

Back then I wrote what the first stars meant; so before defining the new ones here's a reminder:

The first one is called *Breathe: the most important thing for me in the whole world and when I breathe I feel like my mind is free.

The second one is called *Feel: I feel everything around me and my senses are my best friends.

The third one is called *Sleep: 'cause when I sleep I rest and for me resting is essential, as well as dreaming.

Now *Patience, 'cause I've learnt that things happen for a reason and it takes patience to understand there's a time for every single event.

*Express: it represents the greatest way for me to heal, by pulling out everything that comes through my mind, having a proccess to make it right, I perceive then analyze and then express.

*Connections, 'cause I live through the connections I create every single day, I feed myself with these connections and everything I learn I do it through them.
Read On