I Get It Now

For a long time I judged you for this sick version of new life. For a long time I thought you were weak but never said the words, because you needed me as a mirror and I felt my job was to be there for you, and to make your new life easy for you to deal with as I could. Like oil, as you once said.

I always thought you were weak, for wanting to go back to the old station and the old rides. I thought you were selfish for wanting a window to come and stare, a window that would allow you to see all that you left behind, just as you chose this new eternal and utopian joy.

For a long time I judge you, and saw you as a weak man... and I probably still do, just that I see myself in your ways of behaving and I finally understand where you came from.

Since the very beginning I've related my way of feeling, physically and emotionally, to our old ways and what I took from you when I did. The physical way of dealing with them, the discipline in the setting of boundaries and the early emotional resignation; all of it was always so familiar to your ways, and with no shame I say that I am glad I learned it all from you.

But I always firmly believed the one thing that separated us was that last piece, the looking back after achieving the goal. The need for venting or ideas of infatuations after gaining the golden ticket, I always judged you for needing to talk to me about other girls after being so happily in love.

The other night I came home to this book and a bottle of wine, and the sensation of an old song felt too familiar. The thought of you came to my head and I struggled with the idea of what you might have been going through this whole time; you missed the empty you, the always free you, the always in control you. And I understood, I finally understood what you meant all those years.

Your happiness wasn't part of that moment of melancholy, it was never about your current reality and the fact that you were actually happy and in the best moment of your life. It was always about the bitter sensation of not having that thing you always had, the emotional roller coaster and moment. I get it now.

This blog started with a very sad and heartbroken me, and for a reason I never understood until now, I find it harder and harder to write when I am truly happy. I am, just like in those other aspects, similar to your feeling, to your thinking; I also miss the sad and empty me.

Featuring Valeria
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10 after

0 voices

It took breaking myself in two, to find the pieces and fix them. Face and embrace my lowest has always been a strange hobby that I don't even seem to seek consciously, but I do. The elasticity of my own sanity continues to elevate me, and it saves me every time I test its limits.

My soul falls for sadness and melancholy, only because it shows the other side of what's true but won't always believe in, the idea of what's right and what can actually make me happy. There's a reason why I go after gray scenarios and expected endings, and that reason is that they always give validity to what I should continue to walk away from.

Never before have I noticed the breaking as the push to stop and stare instead of walking away, but this breaking was self-induced, and like a free animal not only I moved away from danger but towards what my instincts kept scratching inside of me, something I had walked away from because of surprising and unknown wellness.

It took breaking myself in two, to find the pieces and fix them. Now deserving feels better than before, and providing and giving myself has transformed into a much more colorful stage. Fear tastes like ideas instead of darkness, and exposing myself is part of the process instead of a forbidden action.

*Myself in this photo*
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The Only Time I Feel Safe

We've been shaped too many times,
Like a song that defines a moment.

They've come through us like falling rain,
Showering us with their magic and charming presence.

We've been momentarily tamed by their ideas,
Like a puzzle falling together under warm sheets.

We've touched unknown feelings,
Burning through every discovered inch.

They've stopped being a light for us,
We've learned how to walk in the darkness.

They've taken parts of us with themselves,
As they've left not to return.

We take those moments and wave them goodbye,
They will never see us as we were by their side.

One empty space to transform,
To embrace the magic in the constant movement
And the truth in the flow of our sensations... the only time I feel safe.

~ Featuring Anais ~
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Sharp As Time

I welcome you with no new warnings,
You already know me too well, more than you think.
There's one thing I define over and over as I struggle with the nature of my feelings
Honesty seems to own me, and it always has something hiding behind actions that feel so right.

This box contains emotions and the raw idea of living every moment,
Expectations, plans, and so many other analogies,
but if there is one thing that comes across every time
is that you can always take my words for what they are...
And I will always bare my soul in them.

I screwed up, and I took you for granted.

I still can't put my finger on what made me realize this,
but the truth is as sharp as our times fighting each other
there's an urge to remind myself of how it felt
every day, every minute.

I dream of seeing you on the other side of my bed,
trying to read my expression as I try to figure out what this could potentially become.
I wanna come home to you.


Featuring Elaine Cubillan
Photo by Laura Isabela Perozo
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Trying hurts
How did I end up trying to prove something to you?
When did I put myself in this position again?
Like I need to win you over somehow?
This is wrong.

It has nothing to do with ego, but it is the ego who warns me
Forcing myself to believe again, hurts
Doing it all by myself, hurts
I have nothing to prove.

There's no doubt of where my heart is
But my thoughts can't be at peace while doing this
I see myself creating these ideas that hurt
When all I should be doing is seeing what you offer

Trying hurts
Why am I doing this?
The calendar must see its pages fall
But it won't see myself waiting

There is fear beyond you and me
Tonight I realized that what I fear includes you,
But that this fear can't be me right now.
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I stretch myself and try to feel how my muscles move
Movements I think would give me an answer to this sensation
like if my body held the truth to what my mind is trying to avoid.

I see you sitting across this room, staring at me and waiting for words to come out
but I just don't know what I want to say,
for the first time after planning every sound to express to you,
I am silent, not by choice.

There isn't a thing I haven't already given you,
whether I chose to or not,
and it's hurting me, the lack of power is hurting me
And this pain is shaping me, in a good way.

I've been through the worst with your love,
so there isn't anything that scares me about you breaking my heart again.
I welcome everything you offer, your fears and your doubts too.

But there's one thing I can't get myself to agree on,
and is the see saw of a story that will never be us.
Because we aren't who we were with other people,
or people who made decisions that caused pain.

We are two crystal clear hearts that can't help but embrace each other,
even when I stand here, as helpless as ever.

Here is what I promise,
I will never ramble around the way I feel,
I will always use one word, and you won't have to ask
I will not give you crap about your feelings
because I don't pretend to own them, my life can move on without them.

And last, I will pop this balloon
A balloon that plays with my sanity when I think of us and whatever we're becoming.
No games.
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Do You Mind?

You have managed to go from darkness to light,
so would you mind telling me what your next move is?
Because clearly, I will react to it
as I am reacting to you right now.

My mind has grown so peaceful after such storm,
and the truth is I can't but give us credit for it.
All that excess of misjudged situations
and the game we played so badly...

I don't want to relive the broken glass on my feet
I can't really taste the bitterness as I say your name
I just found myself wanting to make new memories with you
After being locked in a box surrounded by sour words.

Did we fly to the moon too soon?
Have we been trying to justify the jump that seemed to happen too early?
If this still feels so amazing from a tiny screen,
Was the cloud too small to hold us back then?

You have managed to bring back the beating smile,
so would you mind fixing the pieces to this puzzle?
I am clearly still holding on to the corners
and as I still wait for the next chapter to that goodbye at an airport
I wonder the meaning of these pieces still coming along...

...whatever it may be.

In this photo: Ruth.
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Calendar Draw

Let me borrow your fancy new watch, and I will let you in on something secret.
Let me allow your hands on my hair as if I missed it somehow, and I will marinate my heart without hesitation.
Let me open my risk taking bag, and allow for these bugs to fly out of it, then you might get yourself filled with their glow.
Let me just provide you with one of those secret smiles from across the room, and I will deliver myself on a golden platter.

How long could I set this game to last?
And how many times do we need to step back on the Go spot?
Could we just embrace our safe and empty plans?
Or could we just have some fun instead?

Let me draw on your calendar, and I will show you colors you've desired for so long.
Let me stand on your knees wearing our favorite shade of black, and I will have these bats run around your head.
Let me play these bright sounds for you, and I will show you how cranky has nothing to gain from us.
Let us fall of your bed, and create divine wine stains, and they might just show us a glimpse of joy we would eventually touch.
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