Cross Me

0 voices

La gente dice que cuando se va por un mal sendero la única forma de revertir y sanar todo es tocando fondo. Drogadictos, alcohólicos, depresivos, cualquier extremo de algún tipo de mala conducta, tiene un fondo que al ser "visitado" todo cambia por completo y se sube de nuevo.

Bien, estoy de acuerdo con la existencia de ese fondo, pero que existe no sólo en esos casos tan extremos, sino bien todos tenemos un fondo y la distancia o profundidad depende de quienes somos, como somos y las acciones que decidimos tomar. Pues entonces yo he tocado fondo, hace tiempo y me he quedado aquí. No es que apenas me este enterando, me he visto en este fondo por algún tiempo ya, es solo que necesitaba quedarme aca abajo.

Podría sonar hipócrita o poco honesto, pero la verdad me esta comenzando a importar menos eso y me esta importando más la verdad que me creo yo misma. Es quizás hora de subir de nuevo y averiguar que esta tan mal en mi que sigo hiriendo a quienes mas me aman.

Hace un año hablé de silencio y de cosas ganadas, este año ha sido parcialmente igual en cuestión de ganar experiencia y perspectivas, así como aprender, crecer y toda esa paja que considero poco importante de mencionar: todos aprendemos con el pasar del tiempo, big deal. El asunto que en si remarca y merece la pena escribir es que estando en el fondo decidí dejar de mentirme, tengo una historia que contar y las mentiras evitan que mis acciones sean dirigidas hacia ese fin.

Creí conocerme en el 2008, pero lo que conocía eran versiones de mi reflejadas en las personas que me rodean y que me aterra pensar que pueda yo decepcionarlos al ver que quizás no soy como esperaban que fuese. Pero no puedo seguir alimentando esas imagenes desde aca abajo, he visto tanto sin poder realmente participar y siento que se me pasa el tiempo sin actuar realmente... sigo siendo una cobarde disfrazada de heroina... esa que tiene tiempo en el fondo solo esperando.

Por qué ahora? Porque ya no tengo más nada que hacer aquí y logré descifrar lo que significó esta estadía: entendí y agradecí cosas que hice, daños que probablemente ocasioné, experiencias que no quisiera recordar, momentos que me hacían morir por dentro un poco, palabras que marcaron mis sonidos, miradas que me otorgaron verdades tan lejos de mi realidad, acciones que tomé sin pensar y me hicieron sentir mal por cierto tiempo... gente a quien le hice daño directa o indirectamente, mentiras que juré y cosas que quizás hice creer.

Agradezco todo eso porque me hacen dar cuenta que mi vida giraba en torno a algo y no alguien, que mis acciones siempre han sido mias y de nadie más y lo mas importante de todo, que siempre puedo enmendar lo hecho. Amo no ser perfecta, tener debilidades, defectos, malas actitudes, formas de responder y sobre todo ser tan decidida cuando quiero.

Agradezco los golpes, las mentiras que recibí y aún recibo, las malas intenciones, los maltratos y la falta de interés que se vino, agradezco sin sarcasmo todo lo que fue mio durante este tiempo y lo que perdí, sabiendo que realmente nunca fue mio. Agradezco el engaño, la verdad intencional y el silencio, pero sobre todo lo siento tanto. Es hora de irme para dejar el fondo ya suficientemente explorado.

+Feliz 2009, Truly+

Lyrics by Chan Marshall aka Cat Power (My strength)



Oh how time flies
With crystal clear eyes
And cold as coal
When you're ending with diamond eyes

Oh come child
In a crossbones style
Oh come child
Come and rescue me
'Cause you have seen some
Unbelievable things

Hater I have your diamonds and still
So still
'Cause you have seen some unbelievable things
Read On

All Colors Into One

0 voices


Too many things to write right now, too little time to figure out... but just one song

U2

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still havent found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still havent found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes Im still running

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But I still havent found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for..
Read On

Blame The Signals

0 voices

I said all my words were being sent to another box... but this one fits here better, and I was inspired by some...

It happens.. like always, that people try to arrange situations and find reasons for things to happen, good or bad we look back down to see if there're some clues that would lead us to the answer "why is this happening?". Some like me, enjoy going to extremes: either we smile and think about the universe and its ways... or we don't take too long untill we find the answer.

But what really happens is that we blind ourselves when necessary, when it's about time to face some situations, that sensation of fear in front of something we can't recognize at the moment, 'cause we all need information to be Ok. That moment happens seconds before we find ourselves facing the fact that there's a change coming or a decision needs to be made. I call it "the transparent signal".

It's always there, big and clear but weak... as weak as we want it to be, 'cause actually we are never really ready for big changes or turns to make and we rather pretend to be caught by the moment by saying "I didn't see this one coming"... Yes you did, we always do. That power of decision we all have can become an enemy to us if we decide to blame other surrounding for not letting us know what was about to come... But the truth is, we always knew.

There're colors everywhere... There're words everywhere but we keep on blinding ourselves for those moments not knowing that the best reason to do so would be surprise ourselves, and learning to act without thinking too much. As an impulsive person I consider myself, this might be the greatest deal: I blind myself before the big bang and pretend not to see the signs that are showing me which way to go.

The question is.. when to do it... when not to do it.
Do I really do this? Or do I make myself believe I do it?
"I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run"

Now back to the book.

Photo by: JuanM.
Specially dedicated to: Diego
Song performed by: Claudio S.

Lyrics by Radiohead

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth.
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself.
It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out.

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns.
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins.
And it wears him out, it wears him out.
It wears him out, it wears . . .

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love.
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run.
And it wears me out, it wears me out.
It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time.
Oh, oh.
Read On

This Is Me At 23

4 voices

Son las 4:27 de la tarde y ha sido un dia multicolor.
Personas que se acercan a mi pasillo para soltar señales de afecto y cariño, mentes e ideas que me acompañan este dia tan mio proporcionandome estabilidad en los pasos que voy constanetemente dando, mientras sigo avanzando.

Morado, cabello corto, gerencia, niños, estudiantes, fuerza, familia, blog, compañeras, credibilidad, cafe, vino, inseguridades, pilares, libros, shaun, arturito, trix, ellos, miedos, cronicas de cambio, lunes de biblioteca, pasiones, candy, ideas, ex, emotion, bodoques, trident splash fresa con limon, vestidos, marron, black bellow, electricidad, metas, desorden, prolongar, ultima hora, mis profesores, frustraciones, clases, loser state, energias, audifonos, sol, esperanzas, compañia, bolsos grandes, ilusion, disciplina, destrezas, determinacion, manejar sola en la calle, suspiros, risas, pulgui, las mias, bajas expectativas, poder, papel de regalo, logros, potencial, manejo, herramientas, piel marcada, perspectivas, agua, mandarinas, busqueda, palabras, coconut lime verbena, letras, musica y alma.

Esta soy yo a mis 23, y cerca de mi las verdaderas razones que me hacen sentir amada.

Lyrics by Trapt

This attraction
Only to appearance
Becoming your religion
Looks are every thing
The only thing
That means something to you

Satisfaction,
Only on the surface
Your eyes are always focused
Go on and let it show
That there is no
Exception to the rule

So fill the empty space!
With another pretty face

[chorus]
Skin Deep
Skin Deep
No one will ever be perfect in your eyes
Skin Deep
Skin Deep
Only scratching the surface for your prize

First impressions
Are over in an instant
You make your decision
Before you speak a word
You end your search
The page already turned

Every conquest
Filled with disappointments
Lacking any substance
Now your out of words
The lines are blurred
Your never gonna learn

So fill the empty space!
With another pretty face
Read On

Fishing The Sky

4 voices


"They wish you were as easy as you seem to be"

"You make them think they might take part in your life"

"Your box is yours and no one else"

Comencé hace un tiempo, pero es momento de dedicarme por completo.

Mis expectativas son increiblemente grandes, no tengo idea aún como darle forma y como decir lo que quiero decir. Pero... Es momento ya.

Durante el tiempo que tome haciéndolo, el blog no será actualizado, pero su función nunca se detendrá simplemente las palabras irán en otro sitio y con otro esquema.

Apenas finalice, volveré a mi caja y a lo que aqui soy, pero nunca más será lo mismo.

Lyrics by Appleseed Cast

The reaching ocean
Walked for days
The reaching ocean
You are mine

The falling skyline
Is washed away
This empty notion
You are mine

Fishing the sky

The reaching ocean
Walked for days
The reaching ocean
You are mine

The falling skyline
Is washed away
This empty notion
You are mine
Read On

Riot And One Line In Between

1 voices

Sometimes they ask why I get them so well, or how is that I know how to listen understand and speak their language; well I guess it comes pretty easy for me and the fact that I have that "power" of understanding, allows me to present myself on the table for them to use me in a way.

It is not something I learned to work, but an ability to listen so neat that I actually enjoy, when someone ask the reason I say that it's because of the perspectives I take from them when they talk to me and release their stories. I consider all this the main reason for them to get so attached to me, and as human I am I get used to this sort of dependence which now I need to feed constantly in order to fill some spaces of my happiness in progress.

But as in everything, this thing I do brings some consequences that are not very good for me. One is that I raise my expectations towards other people to listen to me, comparing it with they way I listen to them and of course, as high as my expectations grow I get disappointed and frustrated. Even when I glue myself to these someones, the need is never completely satisfied and what happens is that I fill it with the feedback I get.

The other consequence I get I that I include myself too much in their situations and it gets to a point where I try too hard to have them see through my perspective just because it works for me, and because I believe it will work for them. Now that I'm admitting all this, I can't help seeing how much I am like you.

But since I always control everything and I believe in the power that control gives me, I came up with a plan a long time ago which I've been trying to put in motion; I created a line to separate me from them just presenting my willingness to listen and give answers, but staying in my side. They will stay after the line standing in front of me just getting the answers and perspectives they'd like to choose.

When I cross the line I get hurt.
When I cross the line I mess with something that does not belong to me.
When I cross the line I don't truly help you.
For that I'll stay here and you'll stay there.

Lyrics by The Rakes

We are the animals,
who have lost our hair.
Retained some of our teeth,
and gained a choice...

We'll chase food, money and sex,
until satisfied.
And when its time to rest,
ask 'whats next?'...

We are all animals x4

Well its hard enough to retain control,
when our instincts are egging us on,
with biologists and chemists reducing our souls,
to four letters...
And when we think about it,
we're like a masterpiece,
whose glimpsed, the artist?

We are, the machines,
carrying our various genes.
Then discarded,
when the job is done.
We are the diciples,
who have lost our way.
Kicked from our pedestal when Darwin burnt the book

We are all animals x4

Well its hard enough to retain control,
when our instincts are egging us on,
biologists and chemists reducing our souls,
to four letters...
Will genes replace Genesis?
We're like a masterpiece,
whose glimpsed the artist?

We like to think we're at a special place; the stars revolve around the human race,
but we're just mammals, just, primates...
Like chimps or g'rillas
We see the hair on our face,
And look at another primate,
You and I, we relate...
Read On