Saving (Not)

0 voices


This could be a very long post, but it won't. I'm writing, then taking my tools and leave.

It has been pretty easy for me to put every single situation into a logical procedure so it would work just fine, giving me results well-known (hehe sure..). And now when my perspectives have been improving with time, I see myself understanding this kind of living I have.

Since I was a kid my mom would solve all my issues and teach me how to solve them on my own as I'd grow up. With time, I learnt to do so, but still there was a part of me that always needed to be saved, by whoever felt connected to my state, there was always someone. And for that.. I spent years hooking up with these relationships to wait and see myself being saved by them. hehe...

There were moments when I blamed myself for expecting this to happen, and I tried looking for solutions to this weird and childish kind of living... but then again, after a while I would see myself waiting to be saved once more. Just to create an extreme side of who I was: strong and secure on one side and pretty weak and stupid on the other one, compromising myself to people all the time.

Today I keep on doing it, and also trying to avoid it... but still it remains within me and I can't expect Ana to fix this so quickly... at the end, it's one of her biggest pieces as a person she is... and for all this, the reason why this is my favorite song ever.

Photo by D
Song+Lyrics by Oasis



Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after an
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
Read On

Dimensional Beat

0 voices

I find it easy for me to express myself in writing, people might agree on this as words come out easily when actually, there's "nothing" waiting for these words to be said. I wrote about this a long time ago: in writing, I allow myself to express every single thing I'm thinking of in many different and creative ways.

Speaking is a whole different thing, words come out easily as well, but it takes time and too much thinking to actually say whatever I'm gonna say, and when I do what comes out is just a 25% of what I really wanted to say... Classifying people I relate to in dimensions: those who are behind a monitor or on the other side of a phone are bidimensional, and people that see me pretty often are in a three dimensional side.

For all this, I've learnt to manage relatonships depending on the dimension they're developing in. People that sees me in a daily basis know how I talk and how I express myself, and they might say I won't say too much but the right thing at the moment and that I'm constantly wondering. People that don't see me in a regular basis, will say I can't keep my mouth shut. And for all that, I classify relationships I have based on that fact.

For years, I've change the dimensions of all these relations, for different reasons and they are now where they should be... But there're others... just a few, that I can't really locate 'cause it's not in my power. Bidimensional relationships that I keep on feeding and holding on to for my own and growing addiction. But as much as I think of ways to control the sensations that come everytime I see how powerless I am to this, the more I depend on them. When I know all I could do is let them go.

I heard this song and it made me think of one person that became bidimensional for me, 'cause it feels just right this way... For many years of three dimensional experiences before this time. And for the "always there" closure to this post, this: it might take a while to finally do so, but the decision hasn't been made yet.

Lyrics by Liars Academy

It's news to me
With my head against the wall
Feeling beat
But not beaten up at all
Right now
I remember these things
That make me think about you
Right now I remember these things
They all connect
Let me tell you how I feel
All excess bleeds through the cracks
You lie cheat and steal
And you're all used up
You lie, this time
There's a train
Derailing in my brain
Once in a while
The driver says my name.
Read On

Mech

0 voices

Para todo aquello que tiene un comienzo y un fin, asumo una posición aislada para argumentar sobre algo que cuando lo analizo en frío, suena tan fácil de razonar... Pero generalmente esta más tibio o caliente so well..

Para nadie es algo nuevo que las costumbres existen, no hablando de cultura (específicamente) sino la acción de acostumbrarse a algo. Si bien no podemos escapar de ello, tratamos de evitarlo al máximo para no sentir que nuestras vidas van arrastradas por rutinas mandonas y posesivas (ahg! mie nueva palabra). La mayoría se mantiene en constante búsqueda de formas que eviten esa adaptación de alguna forma de variable constante en nuestros día a día.

Otros pocos realmente lo disfrutan, pero muy dentro sienten que algún mal deben tener si creen ser felices viendo sus días pasar como una película repetida en TNT. Para nadie es claro que puede gustarnos o no, pero lo que si es cierto es que no escapamos y de cierta forma algunos podrían encontrar ese lugar perfecto donde nos presentamos frente a esa forma de vida quizás automática y decimos: "sabes que? fino... lo acepto"

Nos condenamos de una u otra forma; si evitamos acostumbrarnos gastamos demasiadas energías en conectar "escape" tras "escape", solo para no sentir que pisamos las mismas huellas día tras día. Pero si nos acostumbramos a algo, para simplemente actuar como se "supone" las personas cuerdas actúen, entonces siempre llega algún choque a esa costumbre... Situaciones que nos demandan un cambio, porque ah.. claro, los cambios también son obligados, nadie los pidió pero allí están. (ojo, a mi si me caen bien)

La cuestión está en que a medida que las mentes se aburren más, o tienen más tiempo vago para pensar y más dudas que nadie sabe de dónde vienen (véase Ana Valentina) se comienza a ver esa costumbre como un extremo llamado de atención. Porque creo ciegamente en el control, y considero que si me creo lo suficientemente engreída (al final a quien le importa...) podría controlar ciertas costumbres con respecto a cuando terminan o que dejan.

Para bajar los humos, daré un par de ejemplos (algunos míos otros tomados): costumbres a personas, relaciones, actividades, respuestas, excusas creadas, imagenes que presentamos a los demás, respuestas automáticas, rechazos sin base o lógica, negación a la inseguridad a través de propia ubicación en extremistas posiciones (ejemplo: "los emos apestan... yo soy heavy metal" o "todos andan con blackberry... yo nada que ver)... Personas que se acostumbran a sus miedos e inseguridades y que se demuestran en sus extremos rechazos a ciertas cosas.

Y es que a quién le importa lo que quieres sea costumbre o no? Una vez mi mamá me dijo "Si quieres espacio, organiza"... todo cabe mejor cuando se ordenan las ideas, las sensaciones, las reacciones y ciertamente las costumbres. No es otra analogía fría y calculadora de una Ana que "aparenta" sabérselas todas, sino una perspectiva que al menos a mi, me dirige a una paz con lo que hago y lo que no hago.. tan sólo para ver si se nos hace más fácil encontrar el caminito antes que Alicia despierte del sueño.

Lyrics by Death Cab For Cutie

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
Read On

Nothing Wrong

1 voices

It takes so much to hold on to some things, that we lose the north in a way. Just what happens when we start talking about certain topic and we get to a point that we completly forget why we began to talk about that.

There's fear within people and sensations that get damaged by fear. But fear does not represent a disease to take care of, but a kind of dark factor that can show itself in many different shapes. It gets pretty imposible to handle fear just for that reason, so we spend our lives trying to avoid being afraid, but scared of fear as well.

Tonight I realized that within all my fears, one of the biggest is to hold scared people to my life. For my condition, I take their fears and turn them into mine; just to stablish a weird connection and maybe try to maintain relationships.. I've always wonder why my expectations seem to be enemies instead of allies, and for the lack of answers I've been able to get, I began thinking about this posibility: it's because of fear.

Fear to let go, fear to hold on, fear to express too much, fear of loneliness, fear of not being enough for people and the worst: fear of being misunderstood... it happens all the time.

But what I really want, what I've always wanted is to feel ok with whatever I say or show or do... but the fuckin perspectives get through people's mind and fear gets created. There's nothing I can do, and it has been a struggle to assume that. Which is why I'm now expressing here: I got nothing to do around people that lie and say they don't fear, 'cause they do and what is worst, they seem to fear me...

If there's something I'm glad for is the fact that I'm getting used to this way of learning (anyways it's always been fun just using the term)..: the rough way.

Photo by: Viviana Guimera
In the photo: Carlos
Lyrics by Jimmy Eat World

Hold them down, all bleeding suspects
(Just because, just 'cause, just who are you?)
Like candle light, burn burn burn, baby
(Burn, burn, whose turn, Who gets a taste today?)

We've done nothing wrong,
But we've done nothing
We can't look away,
But we're just looking in
It's second nature to say,
Hey hey hey, we've done nothing wrong!

Turn them off, all blacklist singers
(Don't ask why, don't cry, don't make a scene)
A forty-five, spin spin spin, give in
(Spin spin, who wins, who's not afraid to play?)

We've done nothing wrong,
But we've done nothing!
We can't look away,
But we're just looking in!
It's second nature to say,
Hey hey hey, we've done nothing but -
Nothing but take what's handed down
Said nothing but words approved to shout
We wanna know that we own the cake we're eating
Spit it out! Out, out...

Hold them down (burn, burn)
Hold them down, all bleeding suspects
Turn them off (turn, turn)
Turn them off, all blacklist singers

We've done nothing wrong!
We've done nothing wrong!
Read On