Paper Boats

0 voices

"Is it because we love each other... that we hurt each other?"

Half of me pretends there's no water, and the other half is struggling to let me know I am aware. But for as long as the water won't come up to my knees... I'll just won't interfere between my two halfs.

Because I do know what happens, I am the one that sets the alarm when something hits me, bothers me, hurts me and I don't do a thing about it. I am the one that lets them get with it most of the times... and I am the one that after cutting off some, hold myself to support and avoid the regret.

The water represents that division between what I know of myself and what people can see, it represents that awareness and that self-struggle I constant see happening with the things and people I'm dealing with. When I choose to be blind in front of things that cause me pain, the water levels up and my skin fears, but when I'm stronger than that hateful half the water stops, it holds...

...And I wonder where they taught them the hurting for loving skill, and how come I don't see it, feel it, or understanding it; because maybe my mistake has been the idea that love means just that, love. Is it too crazy to think that way? Do I honestly need to learn to love the lack of words and the role play for life? 

I am trying, very hard, and even if I'm not sure this is the right way to make what affects me to stop, I will continue, just to avoid sinking in this water. I'm not making more efforts into keeping things near me, people close to me, I just believe I can't play both roles and I actually shouldn't. So I'll just keep on making paper boats for each time I accomplish one state of mind and play with this sick awareness... 

Aware of what I lack, aware of what will float away and aware of the fact that some treats I just don't deserve, because if I did then I would admit it.

... and you know it.

Lyrics by Incubus

You saw me lost in treading water
I looked pathetic and
As helpless as a stinger
Without a bee
But underneath my presentation
I knew the walls were coming down
And the stones that fell were
Aiming away from me
Hey what would it mean to you?
To know that it'll
Come back around again
Hey whatever it means to you
Know that everything
Moves in circles

I saw you standing in
My headlights
Blink blink blink
I thought I'd run you down
For the weight you left on me
instead I pushed rewind
Reversed and drove away
And see you
Disappear in my rearview
Brought to me the word

Hey what would it mean to you?
To know that it'll
Come back around again
Hey whatever it means to you
Know that everything
Moves in circles

Round and round we go
We could know
It'd end so well
We fall on and we fall off
Existential carousel
Read On

Feel Like

0 voices

I feel like owing this space and this time, to transform into shapes so similar
so perfect together

I feel like running with a smile on my face, aware of the lack of air
and falling in your mouth for a lovely breath of rushing air
I feel like grabbing your hair and electrify our bodies
such a powerful sensation

I feel like making a net with our legs and feel how our chests open up to such a feeling
such an emotion
such a beat
I feel like reaching for a kiss, drinking from your soul, taking you with me
so this night could represent the ideal dream

Tonight for you
and with you
and from you
I feel like stealing your energy
I feel like eating your skin
I feel like giving away all this resistance

Feel the heat melting our skins into one

I feel like taking you with me
Because I'm hungry of you
and for now words can only describe
this buring running through my fingers
through my neck, through my back and spine

I just feel like...
Read On

Dress In Black For Your Words

0 voices

These ears of mine have been getting used to the different meanings of words and the way people tend to use them, without any doubt I also have used them with much awareness. But words are just words, and for words to come from feelings there's a whole performance to learn, if you want me to believe you mean it.

Kids lie and I can tell, with you there's not much difference... And I will just smile and see those words of yours come out of your head embarrassed of you, carrying all those hidden, heavy and honest ideas that you were just too much of a coward to admit.
Those poor words, they have no fault of your actions, but I will get them and put them in a container all together, make them feel right and secure for a moment, while you stand there actually thinking that I believe what you just said.

Because the world can be made of intentions, but my world never made with lies... and intentions I know, they speak for themselves and don't need so many words to be understood, and because perhaps you don't even know what you're doing.
So keep it up, say whatever and settle with whatever reaction you get from me... I'll sit here and dress in black for your words.
Read On


0 voices

On one side we all want that protection, that company, that other element that truly fits the best way. On that side of the idea things can be colorful and pretty, going throw the experience of how two people can connect so many aspects of themselves... yeah, that side is ok.

We dig it, we feel it, and if you ask randomly they will tell you that alone is never better, but to find someone that belongs and makes us reach emotional and physical places new. That huge bag of first moments, first kisses, touches, smiles and eyes finding each other in a magical moment... yeah, it does feel good.

But there's always more than one side, and although usually they are a bit bitter and not as happy and shiny as this first side, they are profund and amazingly meaningful.

Ask the people around me and they will tell you it's me dealing with demons, but ask me and the answer will be much more empowering, contagious and so fake that believing it will feel just right.

The releasing side of everything we attach to, as I've said before, just because we can. But also because we wouldn't give away if we didn't know that there's a point at where the heart just can't take it anymore, and as stupid we all want to pretend, the decision of releasing feels good just because of that power.

As friends we wish we had that perfect solution to make others see when the moment of letting go has come, but from our ground it will only work after one mind-soul connection and the words: stop.

Call it process, call it pretending, call it healing... I dig it, I love it, and for me releasing has become the greatest game, just by pulling strings back and forth, knowing that actually the courage I need to completely let go, I don't have it and that I all that comforts me is the idea that until a certain point I do risk loosing them, before the weak side of me pulls them back.

I guess the string will brake at some point, or I will just get tired of this sensation and get curious about how it would feel actually releasing them... at the end, the three times I've done it came out right. Sadly enough I'm getting more and more attached to my loneliness, the single and only version aspect of me, a mind that within time, feels more and more sure about her beliefs... wrong or not, it's just a fact.

Lyrics by Carrie Underwood (the ones you might sing if you feel like following these ideas)

I should have known by the way you passed me by
There was something in your eyes and it wasn't right
I should have walked, but I never had the chance
Everything got out of hand and I let it slide

Now I only have myself to blame
For falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be
The way it was before I saw your face

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

Na, na, na-na, na
Na, na, na-na, na
Na, na, na-na, na, na

Now your photos don't have a picture frame
And I never say your name and I never will
And all your things, well I threw them in the trash
And I'm not even sad

Now you only have yourself to blame
For playing all those stupid games
You're always gonna be the same
And, oh no, you'll never change

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

Na, na, na-na, na
Na, na, na-na, na
Na, na, na-na, na, na
Read On

All Over

0 voices

Different days of the week, different states of motion and words that seem to switch places just for fun.

I suppose a regular rutine shouldn't surprise me this much, and a playground would make me feel so much better.

Because laying on the roof of your car felt good just for one minute, and then crashing seemed like the greatest solution.

Make the arrows on my wall clock move around and spin, for this head of mine to bring out some shuffle thoughts.

Draw yourself in yellow and have someone paste paper stars on your chest, because I know a surprising smile will make this tension disappear for a while.

Grass on my pants and the taste of your sour kiss, reminding my lips that they just don't have a choice on their own... and that I'm sorry.

Tear out the pages of my calendar, to pretend today is suddenly another day, and it's time to feel different.

Thursday should come sooner, and if they do so, call her and let her know I won't miss the weekly appointment.

Lyrics by Brandtson

the plastic on the windows change the atmosphere.
i hear you coming up the stairs.
parking meter violation flags are showing.
the optimistic side of me called off again.
hello. i've been self destructing again.
i'm off the track.
my compliments to the way you fit in.
it's so unfair.
i'm waiting for this to finally come undone.
i'm waiting for this to suddenly fall down.
command is q.
i've tried a hundred times.
impossible win.
i'm waiting.
still waiting for this to fall down and take over.
all over.
it can't be this easy.
i'm fighting and waiting.
it's not what i wanted.
won't always be waiting
Read On

This Skin Feels Better

0 voices

Just wrap her in a soft fabric
Transparent enough just to see her silhouette
Make it warm, and let her see you while you spin around her shape
White and made of silk
So she can feel through it protecting her skin from damaging perspectives

Wrap her in one idea of simple moments
Pure energy and desire
Just skins hiding from each other
But dying to reach out

Let her move within her new skin
Transform her old skin so she feels
In her head, it will be just that
A touch that will vanish after walking through that door

...but it will still feel good inside
...and she will enjoy it as if that was her real skin.
Read On

Eventually, becoming.

0 voices

"I will eventually stop holding..."

I make myself believe this became a common condition, one that to be adapted must demand enough intelligence to make it clear, and for that condition to make sense, I'd have to be in total awareness. And boy, I am, I've always been.

Can't get a clear vision of how it got started, but I can talk about how it felt, knowing that by hiding and pretending I could get more and more information to keep myself calm and in control. I could lie and smile along holding myself for more and more time with the course of the years, seeing myself becoming another person, but getting what I wanted (in a weird way).

Not much has changed now, I still need information and honesty to remain in peace with others, but my attitude has moved to another and more innocent room. I'm learning not to expect.

Whether I choose to confront them or not, I now know that I can do both: I can hide and smile along to their actions and lack of words to my person, or I can just move forward, not expecting anything more just because I got enough of these four walls, and if I choose to swim away and risk the ones I'm leaving in the room... Well then, that might as well surprise me for once.

My heart could be getting colder within the lack of words, maybe it will get warmer later, I don't really know... But I do know that there are versions of me that are unforgettable, to which I owe my whole being and sincerity... and for the rest of them, probably a pretty picture frame in the back of my memory.

I used to fight against distance, people walking away, loosing emotional connections... and is not that I won't do that anymore, is just that I realized is not worth it. Whatever belongs or wants to stay near me, it will find its way to do so. My heart hasn't and won't ever change, but unfortunately, my views do.

The lyrics, this time, you won't understand them... probably.

Intuition said it was fair
All of you should know there's
Not enough to go around
Here they come again
I can watch
As they try they try to take it out
Here they come again I can
Watch closer now
I can watch closer now
They can't find enough
To take enough from me
They can't find enough
To take enough from me
I've seen the hordes, the hordes
I've seen the hordes, the hordes
Looking down that drain of yours
Cartoon blue jay
Cartoon black bay too
Cartoon blue jay
Cartoon black bay too
Intuition knocked again fair
All of you should know by now there's
Not enough to go around

But I never go that way
Other half of me says I should
Other half of me says I should
Other half of me says I should
Read On

Why Can't We?

0 voices

Right when we're about to smile
Just before the final test
Right there when we find each other
Just before our honesty

Why can't we just be?
Be as we were born to meet
Why can't we just be?
Without any shape damaging our visions

Just by the time we were sure about our ideas
Right when we heard each other without speaking
Just before we admit our believes
Right there before out pure feelings

Why can't be just be?
As free as all that you believe in
Why can't we just be?
Exactly what we're suppose to be

Stop the lying, stop the lines
If you know that I know
Stop the fading, stop what's fake
If we know, that we know

Why can't we? Just be?
Read On

For Her

0 voices

There's no control over any kind of situation, we smile and find comfort while thinking that we build our lives from good and proper decisions, creating a path with our very own foundations. And even if reality is not far away from that, the universe creates these moments to show us that there's no way of knowing if tomorrow we'll have a new day to continue to work on that path, that life.

I never met her, knew how she was, knew how she saw life or how much she liked a special dessert, but she and I shared one thing and one unique way of living through teaching. If I could assure something, is that she loved what she did, she loved her children and loved every single moment with them. Because we can identify that bond between people that find themselves doing this job for the love that gets created, just for a routine that changes every morning and for boys and girls that share their lives with us in such a wonderful way.

I don't know how her life was, the things she did or wanted to accomplish... but I know what her teaching might have represented for her and for the children that had the chance to be with her in a classroom. And what makes me sad is thinking about her children and students, because right now I can't find the words to describe the sadness of knowing that they won't be together during the upcoming mornings anymore.

I didn't know her friends, or her family, if she liked coldplay or nirvana... But I'm sure that what she planted in their lives, in their minds and in their hearts will be with them forever. And knowing that in them she will live, comforts me and makes me feel better.

To her people, the ones that knew her and got the chance to share her life, I wish you the best memories you can think about... they shall fill your hearts and give you peace.
Read On