No More If I ask someone what they think scares me, most would say not much... but not because it's true, but because I've made them believe so. Because even when I hide behind so many things, I do face many others, and I don't hesitate when it comes to control, whether some people like it or not. I do, I like my hunger for control, and the fact that I feel like a winner most of the time; I hold that power in some situations, and even when it sounds like such an empty thing, it keeps me standing. So when I lose it, when I don't have control and it hurts me, then I must do something, and in that doing this Ana comes along representing that brave figure. That figure people know and enjoy describing and pointing at. That strong figure so soft and vulnerable inside. Strong, brave and all I still need fixing all the time, and most of the fixing I do it myself, as I'm so well used to, but when it gets out of my hands, and my own fixing is out of my control, then I'm in huge trouble. So for this, tonight, you... I can't wait any longer, and I can't trust time or light any more, and these sounds will only get louder, because it's time and I need it. I need peace to come back to my life. So I'll ask you to push me down before you elevate me up above and drop me again. Just because that's what my head needs to heal my heart. These lyrics.. by Coldplay When you try your best, but you don't succeed When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you And high up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you Tears stream down your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down your face And I... Tears stream down your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down your face And I... Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you Fixation Fixation, longing, desire, who knows, but it seems to be pretty clear I give you the same thing the rest of them come looking for. Like if for some kind of treatment, I'd represent the prescription and recipe. Don't worry, I'm aware all the time and usually enjoy providing the proper medicine, because you may ignore this, but your hunger feeds me as well. Hunger for my words, reactions and irony, like the perfect cocktail of what holds this strong image, not always real or natural. So come and lay your head right here, I'll show you that I care once again while my hands caress your hair... we can do this for a while, just as long as my head agrees to this pattern, and before I discover I don't really need this, you. For a While, 2. It goes from bitter to kind in a second, then it changes and jumps to eager, anxious, understanding. Not without feeling sad for a minute. Like a burning sensation that rushes through my spine when I try to define how I feel about this, about you, about such history. It goes from one place to the other, but all with the same foundations of perspectives I own, as simple as one person feeling all these different shapes. Swimming together for so long, and holding on at the last second when you choose not to let us sink and drown... Can't you see it? It always begins with yelling and ends with staring and hugging when I think of us. Only that if I ask you, you would say the hugging never really ends, because what I let you see is just one of the three shapes, because it is what you need... and what you love about us. Twin Size Bed
You know you're done
And you know you don't want this any more
But you also know that it feeds you
And that without it you're just filling yourself with smoke
So what's it gonna be?
Which one will you choose?
Where do you see yourself as the true version of who you are?
And which one just feeds the ego that surrounds you?
Hangman
The thing is, you're not really back... maybe you think you are, but you're not.
I'm here writing, the first post of this year, the first post after such a long time of weird posting and such confusion with this whole deal of expressing myself.. and as I assure myself that I just want to write something honest, you are the first thing that pops in my head.
As much as I wish you were back, things aren't as simple... because now more than ever I doubt you would ever return as you were before. We shaped out relationship that 11+7 and now we just can't change it.
I've been waiting for you, the real you, the one that would stay hours with a device on his ear just to chat away through some situation, or write at late hours to ask silly but meaningful questions... that character that I miss so much, has never returned. Not since he met the other side of us.
I've been waiting... and even when you think you come back as that person, and make me think you are the same hangman you've always been... the truth is much different and bitter, you're not the hangman I still miss and need. The friend hasn't come back since then and I know never will.
I still miss you and I wish things could back to normal, but I guess I adapted and no longer get the cravings for your long calls and your childish questions. I still miss you but I know you won't come back the way I want you to, and I'm not sure how long I can pretend this is the same as before.
Oh hangman, it's not your fault but we both commit this to memory... back in the past.
One Second
Of getting from them
What can't really get for myself
Pieces Some others, like me, became too protective with our own pieces and now hide from whatever could come and steal them from us. Presenting just this surface of who we are, but keeping to ourselves what makes us who we are. Because we know about giving away, surrendering and getting hurt. We know it so well, that we choose to act like fools encouraging others to open up and uncover their foundations just to be free... We encourage others, but aren't strong enough to do it ourselves. So insecure that even these words I must write as if they come from other people, because it is a bold statement to speak for myself when I say that I just don't want to let anyone in. Because how could I go back to being that free person that finds gold in the trusting, after loosing such important pieces of my? Dark Corners I smile as you hear these words because while you lay on my bed watching my lips move I admire the way you take these ideas so easily maybe because you dig them, or just because they make some sense to you But as I sing with my legs and hair, you lay still and try not to make me vanish Like a best friend to my fantasies, and I thank you for it I really do. Just as these lovely patterns of mine make you a part of my collection... I appreciate your willingness and grace while agreeing on my commands And babe, from here on there is nothing but this, just a girl that enjoys pulling souls into her junkie box. It is what makes me who I am Someone that hides her most pure thoughts and feelings behind a fake name, a smile that spreads like a disease from hell... Just like the one that got you here, in my nest of sweetness. Patterns that are my daily anthems with voices that come from the darkest corners, corners that you will get to know very soon.
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