Inked Today I got three new stars in my sky (funny 'cause it's actually my foot). I had the first ones a couple years ago and they each had a meaning, today three new ones come to meet with them and expand my universe! Back then I wrote what the first stars meant; so before defining the new ones here's a reminder: The first one is called *Breathe: the most important thing for me in the whole world and when I breathe I feel like my mind is free. The second one is called *Feel: I feel everything around me and my senses are my best friends. The third one is called *Sleep: 'cause when I sleep I rest and for me resting is essential, as well as dreaming. Now *Patience, 'cause I've learnt that things happen for a reason and it takes patience to understand there's a time for every single event. *Express: it represents the greatest way for me to heal, by pulling out everything that comes through my mind, having a proccess to make it right, I perceive then analyze and then express. *Connections, 'cause I live through the connections I create every single day, I feed myself with these connections and everything I learn I do it through them. Saving (Not) This could be a very long post, but it won't. I'm writing, then taking my tools and leave. It has been pretty easy for me to put every single situation into a logical procedure so it would work just fine, giving me results well-known (hehe sure..). And now when my perspectives have been improving with time, I see myself understanding this kind of living I have. Since I was a kid my mom would solve all my issues and teach me how to solve them on my own as I'd grow up. With time, I learnt to do so, but still there was a part of me that always needed to be saved, by whoever felt connected to my state, there was always someone. And for that.. I spent years hooking up with these relationships to wait and see myself being saved by them. hehe... There were moments when I blamed myself for expecting this to happen, and I tried looking for solutions to this weird and childish kind of living... but then again, after a while I would see myself waiting to be saved once more. Just to create an extreme side of who I was: strong and secure on one side and pretty weak and stupid on the other one, compromising myself to people all the time. Today I keep on doing it, and also trying to avoid it... but still it remains within me and I can't expect Ana to fix this so quickly... at the end, it's one of her biggest pieces as a person she is... and for all this, the reason why this is my favorite song ever. Photo by D Song+Lyrics by Oasis Today is gonna be the day That they're gonna throw it back to you By now you should've somehow Realized what you gotta do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do about you now Backbeat the word was on the street That the fire in your heart is out I'm sure you've heard it all before But you never really had a doubt I don't believe that anybody feels The way I do about you now And all the roads we have to walk along are winding And all the lights that lead us there are blinding There are many things that I would Like to say to you I don't know how Because maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me ? And after all You're my wonderwall Today was gonna be the day? But they'll never throw it back to you By now you should've somehow Realized what you're not to do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do About you now And all the roads that lead to you were winding And all the lights that light the way are blinding There are many things that I would like to say to you I don't know how I said maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me ? And after all You're my wonderwall I said maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me ? And after an You're my wonderwall Said maybe You're gonna be the one that saves me You're gonna be the one that saves me You're gonna be the one that saves me Dimensional Beat I find it easy for me to express myself in writing, people might agree on this as words come out easily when actually, there's "nothing" waiting for these words to be said. I wrote about this a long time ago: in writing, I allow myself to express every single thing I'm thinking of in many different and creative ways.Speaking is a whole different thing, words come out easily as well, but it takes time and too much thinking to actually say whatever I'm gonna say, and when I do what comes out is just a 25% of what I really wanted to say... Classifying people I relate to in dimensions: those who are behind a monitor or on the other side of a phone are bidimensional, and people that see me pretty often are in a three dimensional side. For all this, I've learnt to manage relatonships depending on the dimension they're developing in. People that sees me in a daily basis know how I talk and how I express myself, and they might say I won't say too much but the right thing at the moment and that I'm constantly wondering. People that don't see me in a regular basis, will say I can't keep my mouth shut. And for all that, I classify relationships I have based on that fact. For years, I've change the dimensions of all these relations, for different reasons and they are now where they should be... But there're others... just a few, that I can't really locate 'cause it's not in my power. Bidimensional relationships that I keep on feeding and holding on to for my own and growing addiction. But as much as I think of ways to control the sensations that come everytime I see how powerless I am to this, the more I depend on them. When I know all I could do is let them go. I heard this song and it made me think of one person that became bidimensional for me, 'cause it feels just right this way... For many years of three dimensional experiences before this time. And for the "always there" closure to this post, this: it might take a while to finally do so, but the decision hasn't been made yet. Lyrics by Liars Academy It's news to me With my head against the wall Feeling beat But not beaten up at all Right now I remember these things That make me think about you Right now I remember these things They all connect Let me tell you how I feel All excess bleeds through the cracks You lie cheat and steal And you're all used up You lie, this time There's a train Derailing in my brain Once in a while The driver says my name. Mech Para todo aquello que tiene un comienzo y un fin, asumo una posición aislada para argumentar sobre algo que cuando lo analizo en frío, suena tan fácil de razonar... Pero generalmente esta más tibio o caliente so well..Para nadie es algo nuevo que las costumbres existen, no hablando de cultura (específicamente) sino la acción de acostumbrarse a algo. Si bien no podemos escapar de ello, tratamos de evitarlo al máximo para no sentir que nuestras vidas van arrastradas por rutinas mandonas y posesivas (ahg! mie nueva palabra). La mayoría se mantiene en constante búsqueda de formas que eviten esa adaptación de alguna forma de variable constante en nuestros día a día. Otros pocos realmente lo disfrutan, pero muy dentro sienten que algún mal deben tener si creen ser felices viendo sus días pasar como una película repetida en TNT. Para nadie es claro que puede gustarnos o no, pero lo que si es cierto es que no escapamos y de cierta forma algunos podrían encontrar ese lugar perfecto donde nos presentamos frente a esa forma de vida quizás automática y decimos: "sabes que? fino... lo acepto" Nos condenamos de una u otra forma; si evitamos acostumbrarnos gastamos demasiadas energías en conectar "escape" tras "escape", solo para no sentir que pisamos las mismas huellas día tras día. Pero si nos acostumbramos a algo, para simplemente actuar como se "supone" las personas cuerdas actúen, entonces siempre llega algún choque a esa costumbre... Situaciones que nos demandan un cambio, porque ah.. claro, los cambios también son obligados, nadie los pidió pero allí están. (ojo, a mi si me caen bien) La cuestión está en que a medida que las mentes se aburren más, o tienen más tiempo vago para pensar y más dudas que nadie sabe de dónde vienen (véase Ana Valentina) se comienza a ver esa costumbre como un extremo llamado de atención. Porque creo ciegamente en el control, y considero que si me creo lo suficientemente engreída (al final a quien le importa...) podría controlar ciertas costumbres con respecto a cuando terminan o que dejan. Para bajar los humos, daré un par de ejemplos (algunos míos otros tomados): costumbres a personas, relaciones, actividades, respuestas, excusas creadas, imagenes que presentamos a los demás, respuestas automáticas, rechazos sin base o lógica, negación a la inseguridad a través de propia ubicación en extremistas posiciones (ejemplo: "los emos apestan... yo soy heavy metal" o "todos andan con blackberry... yo nada que ver)... Personas que se acostumbran a sus miedos e inseguridades y que se demuestran en sus extremos rechazos a ciertas cosas. Y es que a quién le importa lo que quieres sea costumbre o no? Una vez mi mamá me dijo "Si quieres espacio, organiza"... todo cabe mejor cuando se ordenan las ideas, las sensaciones, las reacciones y ciertamente las costumbres. No es otra analogía fría y calculadora de una Ana que "aparenta" sabérselas todas, sino una perspectiva que al menos a mi, me dirige a una paz con lo que hago y lo que no hago.. tan sólo para ver si se nos hace más fácil encontrar el caminito antes que Alicia despierte del sueño. I want to live where soul meets body And let the sun wrap its arms around me And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing And feel, feel what its like to be new Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations So they may have a chance of finding a place where they’re far more suited than here And I cannot guess what we'll discover When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s And not one speck will remain And I do believe it’s true That there are roads left in both of our shoes But if the silence takes you Then I hope it takes me too So brown eyes I hold you near Cause you’re the only song I want to hear A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere Where soul meets body Where soul meets body Where soul meets body And I do believe it’s true That there are roads left in both of our shoes But if the silence takes you Then I hope it takes me too So brown eyes I hold you near Cause you’re the only song I want to hear A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere Nothing Wrong It takes so much to hold on to some things, that we lose the north in a way. Just what happens when we start talking about certain topic and we get to a point that we completly forget why we began to talk about that.There's fear within people and sensations that get damaged by fear. But fear does not represent a disease to take care of, but a kind of dark factor that can show itself in many different shapes. It gets pretty imposible to handle fear just for that reason, so we spend our lives trying to avoid being afraid, but scared of fear as well. Tonight I realized that within all my fears, one of the biggest is to hold scared people to my life. For my condition, I take their fears and turn them into mine; just to stablish a weird connection and maybe try to maintain relationships.. I've always wonder why my expectations seem to be enemies instead of allies, and for the lack of answers I've been able to get, I began thinking about this posibility: it's because of fear. Fear to let go, fear to hold on, fear to express too much, fear of loneliness, fear of not being enough for people and the worst: fear of being misunderstood... it happens all the time. But what I really want, what I've always wanted is to feel ok with whatever I say or show or do... but the fuckin perspectives get through people's mind and fear gets created. There's nothing I can do, and it has been a struggle to assume that. Which is why I'm now expressing here: I got nothing to do around people that lie and say they don't fear, 'cause they do and what is worst, they seem to fear me... If there's something I'm glad for is the fact that I'm getting used to this way of learning (anyways it's always been fun just using the term)..: the rough way. Photo by: Viviana Guimera In the photo: Carlos Lyrics by Jimmy Eat World Hold them down, all bleeding suspects (Just because, just 'cause, just who are you?) Like candle light, burn burn burn, baby (Burn, burn, whose turn, Who gets a taste today?) We've done nothing wrong, But we've done nothing We can't look away, But we're just looking in It's second nature to say, Hey hey hey, we've done nothing wrong! Turn them off, all blacklist singers (Don't ask why, don't cry, don't make a scene) A forty-five, spin spin spin, give in (Spin spin, who wins, who's not afraid to play?) We've done nothing wrong, But we've done nothing! We can't look away, But we're just looking in! It's second nature to say, Hey hey hey, we've done nothing but - Nothing but take what's handed down Said nothing but words approved to shout We wanna know that we own the cake we're eating Spit it out! Out, out... Hold them down (burn, burn) Hold them down, all bleeding suspects Turn them off (turn, turn) Turn them off, all blacklist singers We've done nothing wrong! We've done nothing wrong! Tangerine Just a short break of honesty and selfishness for once!What I want... not so much and pretty simple... sheryl reminded me with emotion. I wanna be able to sleep only if I need it.. and stay awake when I feel it's necessary. I want to brake with the nasty habit of making everyone happy and trying to be the golden coin for everyone. I wanna feel good with others hating me... to enjoy it in a very creepy way! I want John to be the greatest friend ever as I know he can be, and to be always there for me, with his not so funny (but special) stories and his very much funny constant complaint of how awful womens are. I want him to trust me and to feel ok by speaking his mind! I want James to stay as the greatest infatuation and to be happy forever after! I want him to get his ducks in a road and to feed this amazing emotion-relation that we have. I wanna keep on teasing each other with fun memories of wonderful times! I really want some chocolate right now. Me wants some extra time to be able to finish all the stuff I keep on writing down. I wanna be everywhere anytime! I want Todd to keep on playing his guitar, but what I really want from him is to freeze this times for us... to help remain this fantastic mystic between us and to continue talking to me as much as he does. I wanna listen and fight him as many times as possible, just to laugh by the end of it. I really want Dan, Ed, Greg and Eric to rearrange their perspectives in life and to get connected a little bit more with this freaking emotion that can change people... or maybe never listen to me again and be happy and free! I want Terrance to be in my life for good and to face me every time he feels like it... I wanna see right through him and notice how peaceful his soul is, and how good it feels to come back home hah! I want him to be honest and to never forget who he met long long time ago. I don't ever wanna stop writing, never stop feeling, never stop thinking, never stop analysing. I wanna keep this sensation of floating forever... I wanna keep this freedom to express myself and I want to keep on finding the clues to my story. I just want some tangerines... So easy to want something. P.S.: I heard the song four days ago and it made me think "what do I really wanna do, besides have some fun?".. so here... and btw, that's not it. Lyrics by Sheryl Crow Hit it! This ain't no disco It ain't no country club either This is LA! "All I wanna do is have a little fun before I die," Says the man next to me out of nowhere It's apropos Of nothing He says his name's William but I'm sure, He's Bill or Billy or Mac or Buddy And he's plain ugly to me And I wonder if he's ever had a day of fun in his whole life We are drinking beer at noon on Tuesday In a bar that faces a giant car wash The good people of the world are washing their cars On their lunch break, hosing and scrubbing As best they can in skirts in suits They drive their shiny Datsuns and Buicks Back to the phone company, the record store too Well, they're nothing like Billy and me, cause All I wanna do is have some fun I got a feeling I'm not the only one All I wanna do is have some fun I got a feeling I'm not the only one All I wanna do is have some fun Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard I like a good beer buzz early in the morning And Billy likes to peel the labels From his bottles of Bud He shreds them on the bar Then he lights every match in an oversized pack Letting each one burn down to his thick fingers before blowing and cursing them out And he's watching the bottles of Bud as they spin on the floor And a happy couple enters the bar Dangerously close to one another The bartender looks up from his want ads Otherwise the bar is ours, The day and the night and the car wash too The matches and the Buds and the clean and dirty cars The sun and the moon but Roll It I'll start this one by giving a little detail about my rutine: Every single day at 10:30 am my children do seatwork with us in the classroom, just activities and games, but when it's done in paper we write the date, as record of their work... This means I write the date at least 16 times every single day, which would make it impossible for me not to know what day it is... So today, as I turned and told Valeria "hey.. you know what day is today?" I started walking back to a special room, or as I would like to call today: my 17 room. Such a simple day but with such meaning that I couldn't really explain on my own... So until now (11:49 pm) and with the biggest headache I've ever had, I've been smiling in this room. I didn't expect any kind of energy, even though I tried searching for some... but what I got couldn't be better: that story came back to me without permission, and it reminded me why I learnt to be happy around all these colors and all his perspectives. Just a million things went through my head... I even did some things to commemorate the occasion (you know) and now when I'm about to go back to where I was this Clocks melody fills my ears with his emotion... for what a greatest love represents in my person. All those 17 should be as good as this one, 'cause it feels like it's my first again and I'm standing in the middle of that big room where I found the answer. And as you come and try to find yourself in me while reading my lines, I use your words: see what I see, hear what I hear... you're always welcome in here. Photo by Gustavo Pineda Lyrics by Coldplay (for the second time) Lights go out and I can't be saved Tides that I tried to swim against You've put me down upon my knees Oh I beg, I beg and plead (singing) Come out of things unsaid, shoot an apple off my head (and a) Trouble that can't be named, tigers waiting to be tamed (singing) You are, you are Confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks (gonna) Come back and take you home, I could not stop, that you now know (singing) Come out upon my seas, curse missed opportunities (am I) A part of the cure, or am I part of the disease (singing) You are And nothing else compares Oh no nothing else compares And nothing else compares You are Home, home, where I wanted to go The Dusty Side I guess all that comes is all that I asked for... is it? Issues in my life are like math, simple and logical. One of the many examples is how things function around me, people, feelings, thinking, controling and expressing... all pretty simple and basic. In this particular case what seems to be a rule is me representing a dusty side in some people's lives. As a room for some that might feel depressed, sad, lost and looking for answers; I wrote it before, they just come to me as Alice went for that white rabbit. And I've learnt to love that position I represent, for one simple reason: they need me in a certain way and I provide something for them to feel better. I'm not gonna lie, is more the sensation of being needed what keeps me still in this position, but it has always been hard by the end of the process itself. How? Well, they seem to get better so they don't need me anymore and they get away... or what could be worst, doesn't seem to be any kind of care for what my person represents, and I just stay in that dusty side for others to come and keep on this sick kind of friendships... For a while I thought I had the control over this ugly sensation... and I had it. But then it wasn't only one or two, it became a group of people and I just can't take it anymore. 'Cause it's not about attention, it's about how much hurt I could receive, there's only so much I can take... Only one of them has been able to change his treats towards me and I can feel the difference, I'm no longer a part of his dusty side, there's a feedback in our relationship as friends we are for each other. For the rest, just a reminder of what kind of person I am... you should know, so there. Stop 'cause it doesn't feel good. Lyrics by E For Explosion Does he know all the things I say to you? Or am I just wasting my breath on some unspoken truth? Don't expect me to heal your wounds, 'Cause I don't wanna hear my name, When you're alone, alone, alone again. I just wanna feel the same, feel the same, feel the same. 'Cause if you ever go... I don't think I'll have the strength to follow. While I've been watching the world we think we know, fall apart. I've been trying my best to stop asking myself what all of this is for. 'Cause I ain't in the business of saving lives anymore. I don't think I'm ready to see, To see the distance between actual, and eventually. 'Cause I've never really been who I was supposed to be, 'Cause all I really wanted to hear is that you feel the same, I wanna learn to breathe again every time I hear your name. 'Cause if you ever go... I don't think I'll have the strength to follow. While I've been watching the world we think we know, fall apart. I've been trying my best to stop asking myself what all of this is for. 'Cause I ain't in the business of saving lives anymore. Would this have ever made any sense, Tell me is it still a mistake to speak of you in the present tense? And though your kiss still feels more like love, than it does regret. I don't wanna hear my name, When you're alone, alone, alone again. I just wanna feel the same, feel the same, feel the same. 'Cause if you ever go... I don't think I'll have the strength to follow, While I've been watching the world we think we know, fall apart. I've been trying my best to stop asking myself what all of this is for. 'Cause I ain't in the business of saving lives anymore
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
|
