Versions Of Emotion En la espera de esta entrada número 300 de mi blog, estuve reflexionando mucho sobre el camino recorrido hasta ahora... Han sido tres años de pequeñas explosiones de información, cada una cargada de melodías, sensaciones e increibles combustibles para avanzar constantemente.
Recuerdo uno de los primeros post llamado Mi Zahir, en el cual establecí por primera vez mi objetivo con este blog; algunos que han estado leyéndome desde el comienzo probablemente lo conozcan, pero hoy con esta entrada #300 vuelvo a hacer constar: aqui cuento mi historia. Aún cuando el tiempo y cada post ha cambiado increiblemente mi visión con respecto a Todo, el propósito sigue intacto. Poco a poco, pieza a pieza, palabras a palabras, imagen a imagen y música a música voy armando mis segmentos de vida... Reflexionando sobre hechos y creando perspectivas que otorgan colores a mi diaria visión del mundo. Huellas que me han ayudado a soltar partes de mi, mientras logro conectar gente a mi alrededor con lo aqui expresado. Personas que regadas por alli vienen y leen encontrando preguntas para sus respuestas, vagas y perdidas en tiempos y espacios similares. Porque sentimos tan parecido, aqui propongo un panorama de entendimiento al deshacerme de rastros de historias que podrían carcomerse la esencia de quien soy. "tu manera de escribir es pura y la de expresar tus sentimientos se hace mágica y transparente en cada palabra que vas expresando... escribir te hará crecer y ser cada día más segura de ti, siempre y cuando creas en todo lo que escribes" .. Palabras de una persona muy importante para mi, que esta noche me hacen reflexionar en la importancia de este espacio y esta caja de emociones tan mias. Porque huellas he dejado, transformando y dándole millones de significados a las distintas palabras, que se prestan para tan frágil y sutil fin. Mi historia regadada en tantas cajas que mi depósito no tiene forma alguna... Acá vengo, y mis sentidos me guían hacia las respuestas obtenidas, y ese paso arriba que doy al hacer explotar cada entrada en este blog. 300 formas de expresión, robando y otorgando perspectivas de aquellos que brindan a mi mente el maravilloso enganche con la realidad. Personas que han sido parte de esta liberación y que han conspirado en la realización indirecta de esta historia; ciertos sujetos que han logrado establecer raices en mis cimientos, integrando especiales herramientas a mi forma de soltar historias, al mismo tiempo que forman parte de ella. ... Aún hay tanto por contar... Y el propósito sigue intacto. Lyrics by Trapt - Victim Let me play I've been dying to let you in It's all I wanna be So won't you take it from me I wonder why the less I get the more I give It's all I wanna be So won't you take it from me I want your eyes I want your eyes on me I want your eyes I want your eyes on me I want your eyes I want your eyes to see I want someone to notice me I wanna be your new victim I wanna be your new victim No regrets... even if it's all I get It's all I wanna be So won't you take it from me It still hurts It's never easy to forget Do I wanna be well you never asked me I want your eyes I want your eyes on me I want your eyes I want your eyes on me I want your eyes I want your eyes to see I want you to notice me I wanna be your new victim I'm right here So come and get me! I wanna be your new victim Reflected Fear When it comes to feelings and sensations, people always tend to classify them in certain categories. If it's happiness the push it to the corner of nice and good emotions but there's also the side for bad and unpleasant emotions, fear is one of them.People is used to hate fears and blaming them for many actions we do or we don't do. People blame fear for our lack of motivation to do certain things and it has been that way forever. Many years ago fears were bigger and more realistic... People would fear for the things they didn't know (as it is now but with a different twist) such as natural fenomenons, stars, the sun, storms, the rain... but now days people fear themselves and the way they think. How come we are all afraid of ourselves? does that make any sense at all? If you ask a phychologist they might have an answer based on theory, but for real people, people that have learned how to manage fear... the answer is simple and real: fears exits for us to feel, if there's no fear at all we would not be able to enjoy other sensations the way we do, such as joy, freedom, excitement, proud, happiness, etc. It's because of fear that we appreciate those emotions. And for those that don't know this yet, fears develop from the projections of ourselves; the way you see yourself will determinate what fears you have and which ones you are expressing to others. And unconsciously those characteristic we don't like about ourselves will be reflected in our fears. I see myself as a very lonely person, then I fear I will stay alone for good, see where I'm going? Many fears that people don't see where they're coming from and try to solve them by looking forward... it can only work if you look backwards to connect the dots that where left after your actions. You can only become a certain type of person by the actions you implement in your life and those can only manifest when you know who you are. Is in those moments when fears get created. Fears of not trusting, of not understanding, not expressing or not receiving... if we take a look inside ourselves we would find many answers laying beside those fears. Fears cannot be deleted, but they can help us understand why we expect some things or why we have certains perspectives; it's only when you get to know your fears, that you really know who you are. You must have pulled the trigger Your eyes give you away The gun in your hand's still smoking You don't have to take the blame You have to do what you have to do You know I'd never judge you Still time to close those eyes Forget what happened, forget you lied Put the mask back on Put the mask back on Don't take it off 'till everybody's gone Put the mask back on Put the mask back on Never a disguise as ever lasted so long Cover Up Cover Up Don't let them see the real you If your secrets cast aside me All those rumours might just end up being true You're free to do what you want You never though of consequences You created your own little world Where you could always beat a friend A place where the rules do not apply You could never be denied You took advantage of a good think Now the void you filled is empty Put the mask back on Put the mask back on Don't take it off 'till everybody's gone Put the mask back on Put the mask back on Never a disguise as ever lasted so long Cover Up Cover Up Don't let them see the real you If your secrets cast aside me All those rumours might just end up being true Cover Up Cover Up Don't question anything you do You have always get decoyed But your conscience hunts you Every time you choose Does anyone, ever reach down to you? Does anyone, ever seen your real face? Does anyone, know what you've been doing? Does the one we used to know fades away? Cover Up Cover Up Don't let them see the real you If your secrets cast aside me All those rumours might just end up being true Cover Up Cover Up Don't question anything you do You have always get decoyed But your conscience hunts you Every time you choose I Carry You In My Pocket Is not that I'm alone, but I feel lonely most of the time 'till reach what you provide. Long and eternal days that consume me, changing cassettes every period of my day to move on the wave that's happening. During the morning, afternoon, evening and midnight... And how good it feels to know that even when you're not real, I can reach you and I'm not lonely anymore. Lyrics by Kids In Glass Houses very day I wake up My pillows made up I'm tired of always following you around You're such a fake And when you meet your maker I know he's gonna beat you down to the ground Do you remember me at all? I can't help feeling like I'm talking to the wall Do you remember me at all? Cause they've got my picture up in all my family's halls So we don't see eye to eye anymore And no we don't see wrong from right like before Na na na na The moves and the shakes That fill these papers I'm tired of always following them around You're a heart breaker An undertaker I know you're gunna place me into the ground Do you remember me at all? I can't help feeling like I'm talking to the wall Do you remember me at all? Cause they've got my picture up in all my family's halls So we don't see eye to eye anymore And no we don't see wrong from right like before Na na na na Sunday Feeling It started on Sunday and just today I've been able to define it. I was angry at something I didn't really understand where it came from or where it was going... But now I know that what made me so mad was the fact that my pieces were moved without permission. Not only for me, but i'm sure for everybody... there're pieces of work functioning around us at all times and they work together to maintain us standing. I talk about people, people that come to be part of our sceneries and stay for long long time giving and taking perspectives, sensations, feelings and experiences. My pieces always fit right in and I learn to love my big puzzle with them in it. But as people that they are, they have also their own puzzles and it happens that the actions made in theirs could not match with mine… They could make decisions that affect directly my situations and it gets to a point where I can't help losing those pieces. For this time of my life I've lost some of my pieces but I've always felt that the really big ones and important were here with me still... but badly for me, some pieces have been moved and an era has finally ended. This particular piece has been attached to my life for almost 7 years and it has been a relationship that suffered the biggest amounts of changes as stations... from one thing to the other we became great friends, and now that the final change has been written, I feel sad for what that history meant. Not as a complete goodbye, but as the fact that I can't pretend to keep my pieces here with me and control them... they have their own power to move as well, they have a life on their own. And by moving they could either leave me or change the position they once had. As for tonight, I'm sadly happy for the wonderful memories and eternal fantasies I put together in this blue and musical box, knowing that I'm grateful for what it meant and what will come from now on... as you said let's not see this as an end, but as a new beginning. Lyrics by Alanis M. Me, and my helmet such an un-conventional kid All intense and kinetic, at best tolerated from afar Not yet arrested, and by that I mean betrothed Though a start I am newly courted I've just not been trusted with alters I'm a sweet piece of work, well intentioned yet disturbed Wrongly label-ed and under-fed, treated like a rose as an orchid My friends, as they weigh in, get understandably protective They have a hard time being objective So inside we cancel each other out I'm a sweet piece of work, well intentioned and unloved Unlabeled and misunderstood, treated like a rose as an orchid You've brought water to me, making sure my bloom rebounds You know best of what my special care allows So I've lived in my blind spot Thought myself usual when I'm not And your garden is a nice spot As long as it is brave and where you are For this sweet piece of work, high maintenance and deserted I've been different and deserving, treated like a rose as an orchid Sweet piece of work, overwhelmed un-observed I've been bowed down to but so misread Treated like a rose as an orchid Me In A Frame As I enjoy doing, I give people a special photo of myself... That contains exactly what their last perception of me provided them. Decorated with specific details and unique colors. Each photo is different and is made especially for each person that will receive it. For memories of myself can get only be develop as that impression they get. All those that left my road, took a picture in a frame as a memory of that last view, that last speech, that last sensation, that last thoughts and that last touch. It's me in a frame for them. I prepare myself specially for the moment I'll be frozen in paper then stocked in time and in their minds for the rest of their lifes. As they see me, they'll remember that photo which represents what the said goodbye to and who I was when we went in different directions. Some could keep that photo near and some would just make it disapear but what they can't help is to have it recored in their heads forever, as that special picture won't fade so easily. If the photo gets created it means there was a bond stong enough to discover and that there was a memory to discover, frozen in time and in space. Me in a frame for them to remember how the think they should. Lyrics by Pinback (non-photo blue) She's posting all the time, but the boards are down. It's a burned out building. He's spending all this time on his back. Staring at the ceiling. They spared themselves that way I'm with that. I'm with them. You aren't. You're alive, dammit. Gnawing on the prey. I think about you, some. Where to put you? All the backed up data for a raining time. Insulate a fragile mind. Capsulize a broken find. Don't do this, man. There's another one off behind. Breaking down the door without... warning. She just ignores the time that the boards came down. It's a numbed out feeling. He just accepts that pain with a hate mantra. A spiritual killing. They just relax that way. I'm with that. I'm with them. You aren't. You're alive, dammit. Crayon past line. Stay after school. Crossword filled in non-photo blue. So they'll never find you. Can't go through this now. I'm leaving a message. Stapled on your head. SHHAA......I get the same result. We get the same effect. Mystic It's sad that it can't last longer than that short period of time. But while we have it we can only take the biggest advantage of it. The only fact of not knowing someone can make your imagination grow beyond well-known limits. The mystery that gets created between people when they start knowing each other, if they could just hold on to that we all would be much happier... But eventually we'll get to know each other well enough to use that information and fill certain holes we made out of fun doubts, doubts that before you fill them your imagination enjoys by giving many different and entertaining answers. That mystic that can makes us fall in love with little details but the person itself, many different times and continuously, having infatuations is the greatest thing ever and the reason is that it represents a magical wow factor as a bomb tick tack... it won't be long until explodes. Just then that Wow Factor can only be fun for a while 'cause is nothing but all the wrong reasons for us to wish someone to be with us, just because it was the first thing that caught our attention and the same reason why we can't help wanting that someone. Physicals, ways of thinking, movements, life-goals, money, type of people, job, friends, taste, etc.. There are millions of reasons for everyone to say "I want him/her". Is that wow factor objective? No it's not, but is definitely the thing that we hold on to, in order to investigate if that someone represents the right choice or we'll enjoy that mystic 'till it fades. For me infatuations keep me alive and as long as I can, I'll enjoy them to the extreme. Lyrics by Sugarcult I can't take it It's just a paycheck Making arrangements to burn it to the ground I can't fake it When nothing's sacred Making arrangements to burn it to the ground And beauty lies in the ignorant With the sound of selling out to the innocent I can't save us from the outside I can't take it, what I'm told You can't stop it It just started Dead living on the radio I can't save us from the outside I can't take it I won't cooperate Making arrangements to bury it in the ground I can't fake it This station Is going under, so I'll bury this in the ground And beauty lies in the ignorant With the sound of selling out to the innocent I can't save us from the outside I can't take it, what I'm told You can't stop it It just started Dead living on the radio I can't save us from the outside I can't take it It's just a paycheck Making arrangements I can't take it It's just a paycheck Making arrangements I can't take one more day all for I am done I can't bend, this must end, counting back from 3, 2, 1 I can't save us from the outside I can't take it, what I'm told You can't stop it It just started Dead living on the radio I can't save us from the outside I can't save us You can't take us No one gets out alive I can't save us You can't take us No one gets out Define Me Define You There's no need to say that no one can never know someone else completly. Said that I'll write here about how well people know each other and how they develop a very weird tendency of changing the perspective they have of people. (I can read your mind right now, so stop and read) I can say that there're certain someones I know very well, meaning that I can pretty much always predict their reactions, understand their sensations and know this special language to speak to them. We all do that, knowing it or not... here's when things get messy, in that process of organizing friends we know very well, we might define them through our very personal perspective without counting theirs in, see my point? Sure we can know someone well enough to share our perspective to them, of the things they represent or what kind of person they are. But it's sort of subjective sometimes, depending on what level we have that person standing on... As we all know, expectations can be a very nice reason for disappointment since we might expect something from that person just because we have redefined them. Those who know me, always tend to do that... No exceptions. They start receiving information from me and as soon as they put me in a certain level, they define who I am for them, sometimes according with my defination of myself or not. I have no idea why they expect so much from me, I understand that is all for good but it happens that some of my actions might not be correct for their concept of me, and well I guess I let them down... but does that mean I should feel guilty? I know there's a reason for everyone to do this, redefine people they know and that we want to mantain our certain someones in those levels, but when we don't agree with their actions it's neccesary to wonder before moving them from their spaces... It's only when we expect too much when we get more disappointed. I know who I am, you know me and they know me also... And all of you know that there's no need to redefine Ana, if you still hold on to me it means that you're fine with my own defination of myself... Not everybody can say I call them my very special someones, I've made no mistakes with you and the levels you own. Lyrics by You Me At Six You've been looking at me like you've got something to say You got flaws in your step, you're miles away from anything a-a-a-anyway. Lets get to the point, the words that fell off your lips, didn't mean anything; they didn't mean shit, to you or him. But tonight, but tonight, we will be alright; yes the champagne is on ice for you and I. And oh right and oh right, oh we will be alright, because we've got it all, and all thats left inside. Let's just keep on talking. I smell your scent on my skin and the clothes that I wear, it's a thought in my head and I can't shake it, of you and him. Sh-sh-sh-shake it I am at the party too, I am in the room next to you, with your back to the door and your ear to the floor, and you were desperate. But tonight, but tonight, we will be alright; yes the champagne is on ice for you and I. And oh right and oh right, oh we will be alright, because we've got it all, and all thats left inside. Let's just keep on talking. Don't let me down, and don't let me down. And don't let me down, yeah don't let me... Don't let me down. But tonight, but tonight, we will be alright; yes the champagne is on ice for you and I. And oh right and oh right, oh we will be alright, because we've got it all, and all thats left inside. Let's just keep on talking. Emergency Contact If there's something that identify us as unique kind of human beings, is the fact that in a very emotional way we leave marks in other people. As frames in our emotional brain.
Some people can leave bigger marks than others, but what's important to understand is that it's not an ability we all have or learn how to develop, it comes with they way we are and it can't be changed or managed. It's a very interesting investigation to find out what kind of mark we leave and for me, it has been a roller coaster since I remember I knew what all this meant. There has been people coming in and out of my life; I recently found out the way to classify them all... The ones that are here still and the ones that are gone for good. Those who see themselves close to me or attach to me for some reason, are the people that felt my mark deeper than others, and I know exactly who they are and what I mean for them, and maybe the reasons why the don't leave... All this is not something I think about and regard myself feeling superior, it's the opposite: I just feel I can't reach them right so it can be called a friendship. People can come and connect themselves to me taking all they need and I feel ok leaving my mark, but then I'm left alone once more... 'Cause (what this is all about) no one can keep their marks in me long enough by staying beside me the way it should... It works like a gas station and I just don't know how to handle it. I feel attached to some "certain someones" and I feel they don't have a clue, which is why (maybe) I don't get exactly what I need from them... not only the great sensation of leaving my mark but for them to know that I need it to... After all and no matter what, they're my emergency contacts. But as I said before, I'm still looking for the correct way to make it better... The thing is that (as strange as it sounds) is out of my hands. So I'll just consider some my best friends and some my greatest enemies while living this connections and knowing who we are for each other better than you. Lyrics by Kids In Glass Houses And I wish I could sleep But I'm tired, down, dirty in these borrowed sheets It's been a week And I've been singing to my feet, yeah But I won't admit defeat til Saturday, Saturday, Saturday Will come my way For your information I love my demons Cause they keep me company, yeah I've grown to love my new routine But on my better days Better days, better days Consider yourself one of my best friends Consider yourself one of my enemies Enemies And I wish I could speak We spend the last half hour in the back room Celebrating me And now I feel a little cheap, yeah But I won't admit defeat til Saturday, Saturday, Saturday It's not one of my better days Better days, better days Consider yourself one of my best friends Consider yourself one of my enemies Enemies So Show a little skin and make a million Bare a little soul and make a million more Show a little skin and make a million Bare a little soul and make a million more When I grow up, woah Wanna be famous, woah And when you grow up, woah Will you still blame us I wish I could see Ive been tired, down, dirty in these borrowed sheets It's been a bitch of a week, yeah Saturday, saturday, saturday Consider yourself one of my best friends Consider yourself one of my enemies Enemies Show a little skin and make a million Bare a little soul and make a million more Show a little skin and make a million Bare a little soul and make a million more
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