Warning: extremely long! or at least it might be.

For a while I've been reading over and over again, these old posts that I've been trying to put together in order to publish something and unleash whatever that's sinking me in this shitty hole.

It doesn’t happened that often, that there's a lack of inspiration for me to write whatever I’m feeling or thinking, but when it happens it doesn’t take me long to find out exactly what the problem is... as for this particular situation, the answer seems to be pretty simple: what’s bothering me is not real, so I realized that if I write about it, I would be writing about stuff I’ve already written before.

So, even if this might be a very long post, I don’t give a damn... I just need to let myself free and write what I’m feeling. God I miss him... the biggest infatuation ever, someone who became a very special friend and now that his life has been suffering some changes, (good for him, not so good for me) I seem to be left out in some way! Which I really hate, I miss having him tell me about his crazy adventures, and how much he might share infatuations like me, or how fun it was to find out of a girl that was willing to share that special attraction... I miss that! I miss being that friend to him and to keep and maintain that special bond we have. This selfish little me.

So there, nothing new I just wrote... but I guess I still needed to say it.

What about plans? Supposedly the universe draws a pretty and very unique road for everyone, and within that road there are rooms that represent what we wish, want or need... so we're suppose to create plans with some help of the universe and its signs, in order for us to make them real. Lately I’ve realized that that's just bullshit... I don’t really know what’s the correct process or path to follow, but I do know and understand that there’re no plans that can be conceived with no space for mistakes... mistakes that come with no piece of warning.

Meaning that some plans are made to never really come true... maybe accomplishing a certain goal, gaining some kind of power, meeting someone, giving life to some kind of feeling we might have... Who could really assure us that those are plans that will become real? No one, there’s just no one... but us waiting and expecting. What makes me feel empty about all this is that I’ve been waiting for a long time, for these plans of mine to become real and to make me happy once and for all... at least for the while that I’m suppose to be happy before crap happens again (teoría del caos)

So there, no plans I guess... unless it represents a way to become a success within my professional life, which seems to function perfectly under control and pressure.

Sometimes I really believe there was another time in my life, a time where my heart was making all the decisions and things were just going in a random rhythm and making the greatest sense of all... but now it seems to be gone, that time and its perfect synchronization. I know exactly what’s going on with all of you.

I might be making no sense at all here, writing this, but I just couldn’t hold myself anymore, and as I empty my bottle of wine, I promise myself not to go to sleep until my last thought is written here tonight.

Now listening to this song I can’t just help it but relate to some lyrics that seem to describe the situation perfectly: I’ve got to lose some control. People say I tend to analyze too much, but it is my nature, the way I understand some things come from my deep and needed analysis so for me to stop that, will be to stop being who I am, and I can't allow myself do that. What really makes it hard is the perspective people seems to have towards my tendency to analyze, for they see it as a bad aspect of me, and something that seems to hold me back with some things... that’s just so untrue.

Which leads me to me new, scary and yet exciting discovery: no one really seems to get the whole me with the extra "analyze" side. No one, not even you, is able to understand how important it is for me to uncover my soul, and to find as many answers as I can to figure out what this world and this universe plan for me and the ones around me... I truly believe analyzing has its importance, and for me it couldn’t be less clear: it gives me the real deal of stuff that is important to me. It gives me control.

So, now that I start feeling free as my words are easily written here, I come clean by saying: trouble will come, and I will be ready because I saw this coming: I don’t hate you, don’t wanna fight you, I always loved but now I just don’t like you, you took this too far and I believe you know these words I’m writing here. The time will come when you’ll understand what a mistake it is not to face feelings and to hide them before trying to figure out what they mean, and here I speak for both of us... such cowards, that now it’s all lost for good which (I believe) I'm sure, was suppose to happen like that.

Now changing rooms~

I fight myself with the idea of a wonderful encounter, a perfect place, a perfect time and the perfect situation for us to finally materialize what floats within us. But as much as time passes by and as long as I think about it, I see how the universe has been putting us in separate roads, not physically but emotionally... and it makes me mad because I really have deep feelings for you. So it all comes down to one stupid wondering, do I cut my hair or do I leave it grow until one day, I finally see what there is behind all these written words and all these hidden feelings, at least from me. And the answer doesn’t seem to appear any time soon... although there’s a fact that I’ve learnt to swallow: you don’t belong with me and there is a frame that owns you since the very beginning, even if my hair grows, things will not change and an opportunity to change history doesn’t seem real at all... even when I’m aware of all that... scissors won't get near my hair.

Yet my loneliness keeps on eating me alive, and people getting close to me don’t seem to bring anything positive for me to heal and move forward, all they want is a piece of me and then fly away as soon as they can. And as weak as I can get, it doesn’t seem hard for me to give away those little pieces, it’s been a blast so far...

In the photo: Annie Walshe

Lyrics by Hey Mercedes