Hurts Trying hurts How did I end up trying to prove something to you? When did I put myself in this position again? Like I need to win you over somehow? This is wrong. It has nothing to do with ego, but it is the ego who warns me Forcing myself to believe again, hurts Doing it all by myself, hurts I have nothing to prove. There's no doubt of where my heart is But my thoughts can't be at peace while doing this I see myself creating these ideas that hurt When all I should be doing is seeing what you offer Trying hurts Why am I doing this? The calendar must see its pages fall But it won't see myself waiting There is fear beyond you and me Tonight I realized that what I fear includes you, But that this fear can't be me right now. 4:30
I stretch myself and try to feel how my muscles move
Movements I think would give me an answer to this sensation
like if my body held the truth to what my mind is trying to avoid.
I see you sitting across this room, staring at me and waiting for words to come out
but I just don't know what I want to say,
for the first time after planning every sound to express to you,
I am silent, not by choice.
There isn't a thing I haven't already given you,
whether I chose to or not,
and it's hurting me, the lack of power is hurting me
And this pain is shaping me, in a good way.
I've been through the worst with your love,
so there isn't anything that scares me about you breaking my heart again.
I welcome everything you offer, your fears and your doubts too.
But there's one thing I can't get myself to agree on,
and is the see saw of a story that will never be us.
Because we aren't who we were with other people,
or people who made decisions that caused pain.
We are two crystal clear hearts that can't help but embrace each other,
even when I stand here, as helpless as ever.
Here is what I promise,
I will never ramble around the way I feel,
I will always use one word, and you won't have to ask
I will not give you crap about your feelings
because I don't pretend to own them, my life can move on without them.
And last, I will pop this balloon
A balloon that plays with my sanity when I think of us and whatever we're becoming.
No games.
Do You Mind?
You have managed to go from darkness to light,
so would you mind telling me what your next move is?
Because clearly, I will react to it
as I am reacting to you right now.
My mind has grown so peaceful after such storm,
and the truth is I can't but give us credit for it.
All that excess of misjudged situations
and the game we played so badly...
I don't want to relive the broken glass on my feet
I can't really taste the bitterness as I say your name
I just found myself wanting to make new memories with you
After being locked in a box surrounded by sour words.
Did we fly to the moon too soon?
Have we been trying to justify the jump that seemed to happen too early?
If this still feels so amazing from a tiny screen,
Was the cloud too small to hold us back then?
You have managed to bring back the beating smile,
so would you mind fixing the pieces to this puzzle?
I am clearly still holding on to the corners
and as I still wait for the next chapter to that goodbye at an airport
I wonder the meaning of these pieces still coming along...
...whatever it may be.
In this photo: Ruth.
Calendar Draw
Let me borrow your fancy new watch, and I will let you in on something secret.
Let me allow your hands on my hair as if I missed it somehow, and I will marinate my heart without hesitation.
Let me open my risk taking bag, and allow for these bugs to fly out of it, then you might get yourself filled with their glow.
Let me just provide you with one of those secret smiles from across the room, and I will deliver myself on a golden platter.
How long could I set this game to last?
And how many times do we need to step back on the Go spot?
Could we just embrace our safe and empty plans?
Or could we just have some fun instead?
Let me draw on your calendar, and I will show you colors you've desired for so long.
Let me stand on your knees wearing our favorite shade of black, and I will have these bats run around your head.
Let me play these bright sounds for you, and I will show you how cranky has nothing to gain from us.
Let us fall of your bed, and create divine wine stains, and they might just show us a glimpse of joy we would eventually touch.
Safe, Sane There's always a moment, it's bittersweet and intense Feels heavy and warm Like a strong hug by those desired arms Like the smell of his skin on the empty pillow next to me This moment of wanting to explode happens often But it never belongs to me Just like the sensations and the burning thoughts This moment thinks for itself, and the danger lays on its power. I usually become aware of the holding, and how I try to keep it quiet But more often than I would like to admit, I set it free And forget about the damage it might do on its way to freedom. That lack of awareness I pretend to have to avoid the control of it, Because without knowing, you show me light and your eyes are calling Lights that want these rotten words. It's a big fat lie that dances around my evil but sincere smile as I say the words... ... I miss you today. If only I didn't know about the true nature of this moment, If only I could pretend the lights are blinding me as I say this to you And if only I could remain innocent after lighting a small spark in you... Then I would keep us safe, sane. There's always a moment, and for the most part I always feel like letting go of it But the truth is that the selfishness that feeds it, also eats me And I can't but expose my weapons hoping for the victims to be prepared, I want you to ignore me, yet I don't. Monster Have we had this before? It's the taste you miss the most And for all the memories that fade These words are the thing you hold on onto the most Because I'm the only source left To feed you desire and ideas To make the danger become reality I know where you come from ... I was born right there. I'm sorry it has to be so bad though Just this space in a dream you can't reach For a little while For a few nights For just as long as your inner self allows you Because this monster I am to you won't die It will just sleep... For a while... for a while... And for the rest of our lives, I will still be that frame of burning sensations And that eagerness you despite A simple bite too bitter to embrace A monster to your soul A monster to your present A monster to your truth Magic Things always feel better after a single sip, and the sensation of moments fading with the movements of the hand on the clock, feels even better. Sadness will always be part of my happy moments, just because of that, because of the fading and the ending, and in some sort of depressive matter, I'm in love of the sadness... it's magical. They've been there, not many... waiting for a let go or a glimpse of trust, maybe a sign of belonging or smiles of commitment... but I can't keep my feet moving just to jump and embrace it. I've felt that before, it's burn me before, I've tasted it already and the sadness that I hold on to so hard still calls out for me, but I don't seem to believe in that magic for my own, because I still find myself waiting for the known. For The Fun Of It
So I’ve had my number of guys, and encounters of different kinds… but dates not many, at least not the conventional ‘date’ as defined by many. I am not used to them, so preparing for one does not sound like something normal to me. As I usually share more than what I should, I kinda wanna share my thoughts on this date preparation, leading to what it seems to be a regular date tomorrow night.
This is me talking to myself: what to wear? I really just wanna feel comfortable, nothing too elaborate, maybe low key not to give a weird idea? are flip flops too trashy? definitely flats at least. I don’t like it that I’m thinking too much about this, so just grab something. There are a couple details, very feminine details that I love to think about, but that’s where I draw the “too much info” line :)
If the date is at his place, then I definitely wanna drive there, just to make sure a quick escape is possible. Not that I wanna run away right now before even going, but since I don’t do well with the unknown, I better prepare.
I usually prepare for ‘unexpected’ sleepovers (oops), but should I this time? Jeez, I better not, just to make sure I DON’T spend the night, this deal of normal dates with decent guys should be different, just to make it interesting and give meaning to that thing people say of delaying the pleasure.
For the rest, I just can’t pretend I prepare at all, just remembering that this will be an encounter for actual conversation to take place, long periods of just talking, and listening and more talking. Can’t say I haven’t done this with other guys, but those conversations always had their time limit, in most cases… because we both knew something else would follow.
Tomorrow night I’m looking forward to the JUST talking part, and sure… the homemade pizza and wine (specially picked up for me) sound fun too.
P.S.: I have to admit that I miss saying too much in this blog.
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