Lead Me

A: I need you to lead me, I really have no idea of what to think or what to do.

T: you never actually had it before. Why is that you're so confused now?

A: 'Cause I finally had the courage to go there and ask, I finally felt brave enough to give one step forward and look for what I needed so bad. And I crashed against a huge wall

T: What about the past 3 years? Were you confused then? I know you've been needing him since then...

A: I have. But before I just felt like everything was waiting for the right time and the right moment to happen. You know? I always wanted to do this, but I always felt like something was holding me and telling me to wait.

T: Something? What do you mean with something?

A: It was feeling, a feeling of fear, like it wasn't right at the moment, like I needed to wait more time... Like he didn't need that in that moment of his life, and neither did I

T: So you felt like it wasn't right to go and talk to him, during those 3 years?

A: I felt like he was not gonna listen to me, and that would kill me. So I waited.

T: And you waited... for 3 years. And? Why now?

A: I got to a point where I just felt like I was wasting my time and I needed some answers. Maybe not really answers. What I've been needing is to be part of his life again, and have him back in my life as well.

T: Back in your life? Why? Back how?

A: Like my friend. Like the one that knew how to make me feel good about myself. Like the one that always had the right thing to say. Like the one I looked when I felt sad, upset, unhappy...
I wanted/want him back. And why? because I know what I lost and I know that it wasn't supposed to happen that way. Because I know I made many mistakes and I feel that with that I lost the most important thing I've ever had. My soulmate.

T: But you made him go. You pushed him away from you. You hurt him. Why?

A: Fear.

T: Of what?

A: Of being part of something bigger than me in that moment. I need control at all times. I need to feel that I can control the situations around me... but back then I had the feeling that if I let myself go with that feeling I wasn't gonna have the control. The feeling became too big to handle.

T: Do you regret now?

A: I don't regret being afraid. I think I needed that to understand now what that feeling meant for me, and what it means now. What I do regret is doing what I do best: Pushing people away from me.

T: Why do you think you do that?

A: I don't think that, I know it.

T: Do you wish you could change that?

A: I'm not sure, it keeps me save. It makes feel that I'm in control of my thoughts and my emotions. But I do regret pushing him away from me.

T: Do you think it would be different now? If you wouldn't pushed him away?

A: Definitively. I would be happy.

T: So you're not happy...

A: I'm incomplete. And no, I'm not always happy.

T: And you think you have the answer for you to find your happiness again?

A: I don't know. That would be perfect don't you think? All I have is a feeling.

T: What does that feeling tell you?

A: It tells me that he could bring that happiness back to me. That he's that piece that I'm missing.

T: He could... That's a big deal my friend. Are you telling me that without him you won't be happy? ever?

A: No, I know I'll be happy, I'm not gonna let myself die because of this... sometimes, like right now I feel that I am happy, with other things that fill my life with joy, like my job and the things I learn every day, my family and everything I feel I'm accomplishing.
But like I told you, I will be incomplete.

T: But he gave you an answer already, didn't he?

A: I think so... I'm not sure. He said that he had nothing to say.

T: ... and you're not agree with that..

A: I'm not. And here's where everything gets so confusing. A part of me tells me that I need to stop and move on, 'cause he is just letting me know that I'm a part of his past.
But the other part is telling me that I have to wait and think again, that something is wrong... out of place.

T: That's pretty selfish, don't you think? What about his life now? What makes you think that he needs you right now?

A: Nothing really. In fact I feel like he has moved on so well... that the life he's living is the one he always asked for, like he is getting all the right things he deserves...
And yes, I know I'm being selfish, but that's the only way I know of being and getting what I need.

T: He is doing good without you. Do you think he would like to have you back in his life?

A: That is hard to answer. (...) I feel something that I can't really describe, it's a feeling that has been with me since that night I met him haha... I think that he had and X on his head as a sign for me to know "That's him!" hahaha I always laugh when I think about that day.
That feeling has always keep me together through many different stages of my life... he has been there with me all the time, in my heart and in my mind.
It's a feeling that goes with me every night to bed and keeps my dreams alive.
And it's a feeling that tells me that there's a connection between us.
So, I don't know. I don't know if he would like me to be back in his life. But I do know that he still feels something.

T: It's late... and you should get some sleep. So I'll just tell you this to end this conversation: Yes, he has moved on. Yes, you're being selfish and yes, he might don't want you back in his life for now... But for your own wellbeing and for his, you need to hold yourself and wait. Because you are a part of his life that he might don't want to remember again, you ran with the bad luck of being back then and unfortunately (for you) he will be the one to decide if you are allowed to be part of his present or not.
And for you my dear friend, I won't tell you to let go, or to move on. I know who you are and what a great women you've become. And as you said, this won't kill you, if your path is to go on without your friend then let it be and be glad 'cause you were strong enough to deal with all this...
Just live your life without waiting anything from him and if some day he appears you will be smiling inside, you don't choose your soulmate you just know that's him.

Good Night.

A: Nite.

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