Calendar Draw
Let me borrow your fancy new watch, and I will let you in on something secret.
Let me allow your hands on my hair as if I missed it somehow, and I will marinate my heart without hesitation.
Let me open my risk taking bag, and allow for these bugs to fly out of it, then you might get yourself filled with their glow.
Let me just provide you with one of those secret smiles from across the room, and I will deliver myself on a golden platter.
How long could I set this game to last?
And how many times do we need to step back on the Go spot?
Could we just embrace our safe and empty plans?
Or could we just have some fun instead?
Let me draw on your calendar, and I will show you colors you've desired for so long.
Let me stand on your knees wearing our favorite shade of black, and I will have these bats run around your head.
Let me play these bright sounds for you, and I will show you how cranky has nothing to gain from us.
Let us fall of your bed, and create divine wine stains, and they might just show us a glimpse of joy we would eventually touch.
Safe, Sane There's always a moment, it's bittersweet and intense Feels heavy and warm Like a strong hug by those desired arms Like the smell of his skin on the empty pillow next to me This moment of wanting to explode happens often But it never belongs to me Just like the sensations and the burning thoughts This moment thinks for itself, and the danger lays on its power. I usually become aware of the holding, and how I try to keep it quiet But more often than I would like to admit, I set it free And forget about the damage it might do on its way to freedom. That lack of awareness I pretend to have to avoid the control of it, Because without knowing, you show me light and your eyes are calling Lights that want these rotten words. It's a big fat lie that dances around my evil but sincere smile as I say the words... ... I miss you today. If only I didn't know about the true nature of this moment, If only I could pretend the lights are blinding me as I say this to you And if only I could remain innocent after lighting a small spark in you... Then I would keep us safe, sane. There's always a moment, and for the most part I always feel like letting go of it But the truth is that the selfishness that feeds it, also eats me And I can't but expose my weapons hoping for the victims to be prepared, I want you to ignore me, yet I don't. Monster Have we had this before? It's the taste you miss the most And for all the memories that fade These words are the thing you hold on onto the most Because I'm the only source left To feed you desire and ideas To make the danger become reality I know where you come from ... I was born right there. I'm sorry it has to be so bad though Just this space in a dream you can't reach For a little while For a few nights For just as long as your inner self allows you Because this monster I am to you won't die It will just sleep... For a while... for a while... And for the rest of our lives, I will still be that frame of burning sensations And that eagerness you despite A simple bite too bitter to embrace A monster to your soul A monster to your present A monster to your truth Magic Things always feel better after a single sip, and the sensation of moments fading with the movements of the hand on the clock, feels even better. Sadness will always be part of my happy moments, just because of that, because of the fading and the ending, and in some sort of depressive matter, I'm in love of the sadness... it's magical. They've been there, not many... waiting for a let go or a glimpse of trust, maybe a sign of belonging or smiles of commitment... but I can't keep my feet moving just to jump and embrace it. I've felt that before, it's burn me before, I've tasted it already and the sadness that I hold on to so hard still calls out for me, but I don't seem to believe in that magic for my own, because I still find myself waiting for the known. For The Fun Of It
So I’ve had my number of guys, and encounters of different kinds… but dates not many, at least not the conventional ‘date’ as defined by many. I am not used to them, so preparing for one does not sound like something normal to me. As I usually share more than what I should, I kinda wanna share my thoughts on this date preparation, leading to what it seems to be a regular date tomorrow night.
This is me talking to myself: what to wear? I really just wanna feel comfortable, nothing too elaborate, maybe low key not to give a weird idea? are flip flops too trashy? definitely flats at least. I don’t like it that I’m thinking too much about this, so just grab something. There are a couple details, very feminine details that I love to think about, but that’s where I draw the “too much info” line :)
If the date is at his place, then I definitely wanna drive there, just to make sure a quick escape is possible. Not that I wanna run away right now before even going, but since I don’t do well with the unknown, I better prepare.
I usually prepare for ‘unexpected’ sleepovers (oops), but should I this time? Jeez, I better not, just to make sure I DON’T spend the night, this deal of normal dates with decent guys should be different, just to make it interesting and give meaning to that thing people say of delaying the pleasure.
For the rest, I just can’t pretend I prepare at all, just remembering that this will be an encounter for actual conversation to take place, long periods of just talking, and listening and more talking. Can’t say I haven’t done this with other guys, but those conversations always had their time limit, in most cases… because we both knew something else would follow.
Tomorrow night I’m looking forward to the JUST talking part, and sure… the homemade pizza and wine (specially picked up for me) sound fun too.
P.S.: I have to admit that I miss saying too much in this blog. Writing about writing
This process has not been easy, and that doesn't even express the weirdness of it. Fear most of all, because I'm revealing a lot in each word, and this time I'm not using someone else to say these words.
It's taken more than a year by now, and today I'm still drafting because some thoughts don't seem to fit very well, and changes keep on appearing as time goes by and some stories still remain unwritten. Mainly, I can't write about unfinished business. So I've noticed that writing this book has shown me that in order to write what needs to be said, some stories needed closure. And I'm so happy to see it happen. I still need to wait for other stories, but the ones that are ready now are giving me the courage needed to speak, so moving on. Sailing
I was standing on the dock staring at your indifference, just becoming aware of each second that passed by and I hesitated more.
I stood there understanding that any decision I made would not be real, because the ocean and wind were telling me this was a dream.
I couldn't figure out why my feet were still frozen and motionless, but you didn't say much to get me out of that state of numbness, I believe you were waiting for me to walk away.
The truth is you didn't know what I knew, for you it was another ride, another opportunity to float away, but for me it felt like a golden moment to share some time with you, because my mind new it would end, and I would wake up.
So I moved, and I got on the boat, laughing at the silliness of the whole deal: you riding a ridiculous and enormous boat, an old lady in a fancy state room, and waiting for his crew to take her to a fancy island. This is when I found out you were on a work mission, and I was just providing company.
Still we never saw her, stepping out of her kingdom, and you took the time to teach me how to hear the ocean, how to understand what the nights mean when you're away from land, gazing at the beauty of it all is something that I could not describe with words.
My notion of reality was too loud, and knowing that I was dreaming and that I would wake up at any moment made me stare at your smile for hours; remembering your sleeping pattern and the short time when I knew you.
Hours went by with a continuous alarm in my head but also tasting every moment of your presence. Because the second I woke up, laughing at the irony of this, I knew that one single encounter, had made me miss you all this time.
That smile in from of that bar will always remain as the most honest smiles I've given. Because in the past I've asked for the smile back, but in your case, it'll always belong to you.
But I am hell bound Many would tell you that my head spins around reasons, excuses and answers to questions that arise as we start getting closer, you seem to be nearby and my mind just reacts. I'm not sure still what it is that attracts me to you but as long as I don't put my finger on it, things won't stop bouncing... and unfortunately, that means you might feel I'm being evasive. And I am, very much. Because, being around you makes me miss them too much, and that sets an alarm in my heart. You remind me of how much I miss every detail of single encounters, even those framed in a a 5 hours box. It aches loving tiny pieces of memories, and you seem to bring that in me. Being completely honest, I've been a junkie for infatuations for too long, but now I'm just not sure if I have the energy to start a new one. There's so much fear and low expectations that might be interfering with these signals you try to send my way. It seems that you might have a plan, and my smashed ego appreciates that, it truly does. These words go out to you because it could be easier to just break the magic before it begins, just as long as my body continues to move towards you, we'll have to figure it out in total darkness. My heart is so hungry that might just eat anything that passes by. Lyrics by Imagine Dragons When the days are cold And the cards all fold And the saints we see Are all made of gold When your dreams all fail And the ones we hail Are the worst of all And the blood's run stale I want to hide the truth I want to shelter you But with the beast inside There's nowhere we can hide No matter what we breed We still are made of greed This is my kingdom come This is my kingdom come When you feel my heat Look into my eyes It's where my demons hide It's where my demons hide Don't get too close It's dark inside It's where my demons hide It's where my demons hide When the curtain's call Is the last of all When the lights fade out All the sinners crawl So they dug your grave And the masquerade Will come calling out At the mess you made Don't want to let you down But I am hell bound Though this is all for you Don't want to hide the truth No matter what we breed We still are made of greed This is my kingdom come This is my kingdom come
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