Infatuation Junkie

In general, our actions are guided by our needs and things we want to accomplish… there’s always a goal to reach. Those actions are the only thing we own and no one can take them away from us, we are free to act as we feel like to and also to deal with the repercussions created either good or bad. Taking in consideration the fact that we, as adults, do our best to base those actions on good things that will not harm us; it seems necessary to clarify that sometimes we don’t really choose what’s best for us, and we know it.

I’ve talked about it before, our selective mind work on its own sometimes, and it’s up to us what actions we will assume to control it… Simple: Do I kiss him or not?

For me, I could be honest and say that I know exactly what I’m doing, but then I might realize that I was actually lying to myself. Very common and very useful… but when it comes to people my actions turn very real and I got to a point (today, this point) where I won’t justify my actions anymore but instead I will make the commitment to do my best to control them. There’s the bad side of these particular situations of mine…

I’m constantly having crushes with boys, almost all the time, regular boys, simple and unique boys, even boys that I’m sure don’t really match with me. But I get crushed and I pursue them. Infatuations come and go, and the time that the infatuations stay within me, depends on how much I gain from them... As soon as I get some information and/or respond from them, the infatuation will go away. It’s right when I figure them out.

I can’t help it, I can’t stop, and I can’t control it… I adore/hate having infatuations and get some kind of energy from the boys who I get the infatuation with… I used to hide them, and feel bad about them, ‘cause our society has giving us girls a number, a quantity (aprox) of how many boys we should date or hang out with… Around 5 is fine, less than 10 is ok more than 10 is not allowed! God forbid me to feel guilty about my actions, but also to hurt myself during the process.

I do think infatuations are needed, and both boys and girls can freely have them and enjoy them, and any harm they might cause should be granted to how big the expectations are from both individuals in the infatuated couple (which is so wrong). This is why I always get mistaken when I “act on” my infatuations… Sometimes I hurt people.

Will I stop? No (and I wish…)
Do I like to have constant infatuations? Yes (and I wish I didn’t…)
Do I have the power to change it? Yep
Will it sink me eventually? Sure..
Did I make a point for some in writing all this? I hope so

In the photo: Waleska S.
Lyrics by Imogen Heap

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cos you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then (Alright then) I could keep your number for a rainy day,
That's where this ends, no mistakes no misbehaving,
Oh, I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh no, don't make it harder than it already is,
Mmm, I feel a weakness coming on.

Big trouble losing control,
Primary resistance at a critical low,
On the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return one second to go,
No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
Total overload, systems down, they've got control,
There's no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it
Freeze, awake here forever, I feel a weakness coming on.

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