Emotion's Little Box

FYI

2012-01-05T21:15:00.000-04:30

Too happy to come around here

In a way, I got used to write when something's wrong

And now, everything is the way it should be,

Just right, great.

I could write

Put some lines together

But they might come out way too pink for my taste

So I just won't,

Because I'm happy.

Must Know

2011-12-19T14:18:00.000-04:30

That I don't usually feel this way
That I don't usually open my soul like this
That I don't usually say this much about myself
as I'm about to...

And also,
Knowing what I'm sure you already know
You must know
That I'll fight for us

You

2011-12-04T00:51:00.000-04:30

I could list them, write their names or maybe describe them

Put them all on a wall using different kinds of paint

Decorate these memories and display them on the street

So all would know them, recognize them

Because I could make a composition of the ones that gave up

the ones that never felt like trying harder or getting themselves involved.

Such a proud production, filled with such fancy stories,

I have them all, and I could wash the sky with their names

This weird artist, expressing her feelings of frustration and disappointment

for her lovers, her story tales, her boxes and frames

facing in a second, one different perspective

one that, without knowing, is using his heart as a weapon

...hurting me with so much love

...so much love

One that seems so different from the rest

One that does not belong to this master piece...

of the ones that gave up... that didn't try

One that tonight, won't please me by walking away,

but might be gone so soon.

I think I'm ready, to get rid of this well known way of living

and surrender to a different kind of love

one that's true and pure

one that won't be displayed on that wall of deserters.

All of them...

But you.

P.S.: You can't blame me for deserving this.

Lyrics by Coldplay

Written in graffiti on a bridge in a park
'Do you ever get the feeling that you're missing the mark?'
It's so cold, it's so cold
It's so cold, it's so cold

Written up in marker on a factory sign
'I struggle with the feeling that my life isn't mine'
It's so cold, it's so cold
It's so cold, it's so cold

See the arrow that they shot, trying to tear us apart
Take the fire from my belly and the beat from my heart
Still I won't let go
Still I won't let go

You
Ooohooh

'Cause you do

Oh you use your heart as a weapon
And it hurts like heaven

On every street every car every surface a name
Tonight the streets are ours
And we’re writing and saying
Don't let them take control
No we won't let them take control

Yes, I feel a little bit nervous,
Yes, I feel nervous and I cannot relax,
How come they're out to get us?
How come they're out when they don't know the facts?

So on concrete canvas under cover of dark
On concrete canvas, I'll go making my mark
Armed with a spray can soul
I'll be armed with a spray can soul

You
Ooohooh

Oh, you
Ooohooh

Yes, you
You use your heart as a weapon
And it hurts like heaven

Woho-ooh
Woho-oooh

It's true
When you
Use your heart as a weapon
It hurts like heaven

Paradise

2011-11-26T04:00:00.001-04:30

I'm singing these songs to you, and making you smile at my silliness

There's this lovely energy, that even when I wanna hide it, gets through the air

I try not to touch your hands, but they seem to come near me

and as I move away, you notice this need of one kind aproach

just an instant touch, one short encounter...

You laugh at this performance, and I think of ways to make it stop

but maybe the boose won't let me

I can't stop doing what I wanna do

being who I wanna be

You seem to enjoy it, because maybe you know it wont last

Soon enough the song will be over, and I'll stop singing

remembering what I must accomplish

and the feeling I should be hiding

And before we know it, this other song begins

One that, instead of taking us back to that dream

makes me crash with reality as I sit and realize I already know how everything will end.

Lyrics by Coldplay

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep
Dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Every time she closed her eyes
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth

Life goes on
It gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear, a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night
She closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night
Away she'd fly.

And dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh

She dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

La la la La
La la la

So lying underneath those stormy skies.
She said oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
I know the sun must set to rise.

This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
This could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

2 lines-Thought: Can't

2011-11-14T23:24:00.000-04:30

Can't drive this car

and I can't let you drive it either

Caught Between The Landslide

2011-11-06T21:54:00.002-04:30

These ideas and the sounds that come with them

A particular way of touching without even moving your hands

That thought I stole from your dream

where you felt like staying here,

with me.

All my happy places in the past

filled with people that no longer share my timeline

and have moved on without me in theirs

seeing how their routines don't realize I'm not there anymore

Those fears I carry in a backpack, always in there

afraid I won't have them when the moment comes

and the truth is revealed to me

the reasons why I haven't change them

... I carry the same fears all the time.

I'll tie all this to a safe place

I'll make sure they don't go away and my head thinks of them continuously

Because tonight, I don't wanna move

I don't wanna change

I don't wanna blink

Refusing the actions of time and just holding on to this unfortunate feeling.

Lyrics by Oasis

How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?

Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova or in the Sky
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova or in the sky

Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?

Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova or in the sky
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova

'Cause people believe that they're
Gonna get away for the summer
But you and I, we live and die
The world's still spinning round
We don't know why
Why, why, why, why

How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?

Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova or in the sky
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova

'Cause people believe that they're
Gonna get away for the summer
But you and I, we live and die
The world's still spinning round
We don't know why
Why, why, why, why

How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?
We were getting high

The Cage

2011-11-02T00:02:00.001-04:30

It might be too much to ask, but for just this moment, before I go to sleep and open a window for these thoughts to become dreams... I'll think of it as something a bit less than impossible.

There's a door, one empty space and some light; the atmosphere feels heavy, warm and thick. And there they stand, just waiting for me.

I own the key, I control time inside my room and there's a perfect syncronization between situations... Like giving me permission to play this way.

Nothing awaits beyond these walls, and what I let myself feel in here will only feed my ego until my hands stop typing these words.

The thing is... even when this room is surrounded by so much certainty to be real, it would elevate my soul so easily. A room built for mistakes, isolated from consequences and always filled with my most deep desires.

Washed

2011-10-27T23:04:00.001-04:30

Would it be better without all the words?
Drop the anxiety and that memorized agenda
What we are both feeling, will vanish in a second
I promise you that.

Would it be better dressed with borrowed sensations?
Drop the fear and the shield
What we are both thinking will not stay for too long
That I can guarantee.

Take my background and wash it away,
I'll give you this blank version of me
If that is what we both need.

2 lines-Thought: Don't

2011-10-27T21:28:00.000-04:30

Put that down and go back

Don't even think about it

There Is, There Goes

2011-10-20T22:24:00.000-04:30

Hard beginnings, difficult endings... particular situations, but all moments that share one destiny: the not lasting.

The missing, the enjoying, same destiny. Fear, stress, worry, also same destiny.

Moments that fade, no matter what, because all we can really trust is time, and the fact that it doesn't stop. Condeming these moments to a unique finale.

Days, hours, minutes, seconds... none of them stop and they define the simple structure of everything we go through. A routine that becomes a routine based on the course of time, like a circle where objects, people and other things can join or leave, altering the whole flow just for a while, right before time does its thing... ending things... fading the sensations, turning what felt odd at first into a normal feeling.

Wake up and go out there, but "knowing" that no matter how your day ends, it will end.

Stand strong and face goodbyes, knowing that what now feels sad, soon will feel as a covered hole.

Make that big decision, knowing that this fear that consumes your energy, may not become confidence, but will change and eventually die.

Time I don't know, but time I trust... more than anything.

Lyrics by Death Cab For Cutie

It was one hundred degrees
As we sat beneath a willow tree
Whose tears didn't care
They just hung in the air
And refused to fall, to fall

And I knew I'd made a horrible call
And now the state line felt
Like the Berlin wall
And there was no doubt
About which side I was on

'Cause I built you a home in my heart
With rotten wood, it decayed from the start

'Cause you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along
No you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along

I braved treacherous streets
And kids strung out
On homemade speed
And we shared a bed
In which I could not sleep at all

'Cause that night the sun in retreat
Made the skyline look
Like crooked teeth
In the mouth of a man
Who was devouring, us both

You're so cute when you're slurring your speech
But they're closing the bar and they want us to leave

And you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along
No you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along

I'm a war of head versus heart
And it's always this way
My head is weak, my heart always speaks
Before I know what it will say

And you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along
No you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along

If it's to build...

2011-10-12T20:28:00.000-04:30

It takes energy, whatever it is we feel like supporting, defending... like sadness or excitment.

It takes energy for both, but the the difference sometimes is that some efforts are meant to be felt and some others are not, they just pass us by without waves of sensation.

It takes energy, sometimes not that much, but just enough to hold something up... that attitude, that emotion, that mood, giving specific instructions to each one of our actions, to go as they should... like speaking my mind if I must, wear gray all day, watch one particular movie, write about this.

Because it takes energy, and just the fact that this energy even exist brings out the most important thought for today: You either learn how to handle it, or be handled by it.

So whenever I feel like the energy is using me, and the amounts of effort I'm wasting are not being used for the bright side of life, then I must remember that the situation can be transformed using the same energy, but turning it into a much more high energy.

If it's to build, then build bridges not walls

Doomed

2011-10-10T23:19:00.000-04:30

Someone must be to blame... for the rushing, the rushing

Someone must be guilty... for the early blowing, so early

Someone must know the reason... for the put out

...for the quick ending...

And if that someone finds a way

And if that someone finds it real

And if that someone gets it right...

...then we'll rush together,

we'll blow together,

we'll put out together.

Fall

2011-10-04T22:43:00.000-04:30

If someone asks me right now,

I'd tell them you came with this season...

Even tough I know I'll have to pick up later,

I'm loving the colorful mess all over

Can You?

2011-09-27T23:04:00.000-04:30

Can you blame me for trying?

Can you blame me for thinking it looks like fun?

Can you blame me for not caring that much?

Can you blame me for the deep diving?

Can you...?

...Blame me for the joy?

...Blame me for the impulse?

...Blame me for the raw honesty?

...Blame me for the courage?

Can you...?

...Blame yourself for still choosing to be with me?

Let Us Be Happy

2011-09-19T21:47:00.000-04:30

Don't be surprised if you find things exactly the way you left them

Don't pull that face after discovering I'm still that person

Giving the same dry answers

Granting a soundtrack to each moment

Expressing the same silence

Don't assume what you thought would change in me

Don't walk around me expecting to pop a fake bubble

Showing what you always thought I'd become

Smiling at your face of relief

Saying I still don't mind

Just don't, and let us be happy as we are

right now, just like now.

Worth Saving

2011-09-17T01:42:00.000-04:30

To start, just a statement: we cannot truly control everything that has to do with us outside of our own actions. There will always be different kinds of energy sucking, pulling and just playing with that missing part, that unprotected part of our whole self.

That we do control, involves as much as we all know, understand and manage... ways of thinking, the decisions we make, the way we communicate, what we let others to see from us and how much we share; all that, submited to our power, but besides there's a bunch of other aspects that we don't have the time or the energy to reach out to, or we just don't know they are being manipulated by others... in other words: opinions.

What I find very interesting is the fact that some can actually be aware of all this, and live based on that awareness, like just letting things come as they go and (in a very discrete way) pulling off that important energy, that will eventually kill the opinion. As most like to say "the less attention you pay, the smaller it gets".

The thing comes down then, to the choices you make about these opinions... do you act on them? do you demand some participation? do you ask for some re-interpretation? or do you just let the thing work on its own? (taking away the energy I mentioned before).

It can turn into a very difficult situation, while deciding if that should matter or not, and what to do about it... The way I see it, some things are worth saving and some others can just go on its course to final destruction; nothing will get solved by the power of magic, so it is up to people to make that decision wether to do something about it or not.

I've tried both, and they taste equally as good. But the more you practice (as everything in life, practice is great) the better your judgment gets, and it gets easier to know when something is worth discussing and solving, in order to be saved... or when the best solution is to walk away from it. You either face it, or let it go.

Not everything is worth saving, but those things (ideas, opinions, people, memories) that are, will give you the greatest battles to learn from, and the finest treasures to keep.

Lyrics by Oasis (There's no better song for this, than this one)

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away

So I start a revolution from my bed
'Cause you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside, summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
'cause You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

And so Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows, if it's night or day.
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock 'n Roll band
and throw it all away

Gonna start the revolution from my bed
'Cause you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

And So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by.
her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

And So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late and we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger, don't look back in anger
I heard you say

It's not today.

On It

2011-09-01T21:57:00.003-04:30

I might as well crash soon, hit and bruise myself.

I might as well stay down for a while locating the pain.

But it would feel 10 times better than this stillness I've been stuck in for so long.

I could loose so much

I could cause so much damage

But it will feel 10 times better than keeping life in such a small box.

I might as well fail,

I could really ruin this solid ground,

But the truth it... it already feels 10 times better than smiling as I notice every day looks the same.

Lyrics by Incubus

I have waited
Dined on ashes
Swung from chandeliers and climbed Everest
And none of it's got me close to this

I've waited all my life
If not now, when will I?

We've been good
Even a blast, but
Don't you feel like something's missing here?
Don't you dare

I've waited all my life
If not now, when will I?
Stand up and face the bright light
Don't hide your eyes
It's time

No umbrellas
No sunglasses
Healing [hearing?] Hallelujah everyday

I've waited all my life
If not now, when will I?
Stand up and face the bright light
Don't hide your eyes
It's time

Sing

2011-08-20T21:28:00.000-04:30

I've been thinking about an object to compare myself with, just to give a good example on what I'm about to explain here, but the best thing I can come up with is a DVD player... yeah, I know.

DVD players are so easy to use, they function so well and they can be so simple... just a few buttons and you get exactly what you want. Now, I know I should get to the point quickly so you don't get the wrong idea, you know.. about comparing myself with a thing with buttons :)

The thing is that when you use the DVD you get to start a movie from the beginning, just one click and you go back to the start, no big deal... Well, my weird head thought of that while trying to give and introduction to this post. Because I am also like that, I can start from scratch so easily. Like functioning with buttons.

I can get very mad, sad.. get so disappointed and stuff... but I just can't stay like that for too long, because soon enough something within me will make it vanish, and be ok all over again. Not being able to stay mad at someone for too long. That can be very annoying, but I guess I'm used to it.

But whenever I deal with this "being upset" situation, and knowing that even when I have all the reasons to feel in such way, I will eventually give up and be ok with that person, I feel that I owe some kind of resolution to myself... Like saying "oright, I'm not mad at you, but still make me feel like I deserve some kind of explanation"... And that would not be so hard to understand, since I'm such an information freak, right?

Well there you go, that was me trying to make a point, share some information, make some statements and once again, make myself more transparent by (I know) comparing myself with a DVD player... oh well.

Lyrics by Travis

Baby, you've been going so crazy,

Lately nothing seems to be going right.
So low, why do you have to get so low?
You're so...
You've been waiting in the sun too long.

But if you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing,
For the love you bring won't mean a thing,
Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing.

Colder, crying over your shoulder,
Hold her, tell her everything's gonna be fine.
Surely, you've been going too hurry,
Hurry 'cos no-one's gonna be stopped.

But if you sing, sing, sing, sing sing, sing.
For the love you bring won't mean a thing.
Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing,

Baby, there's something going on today,
But I say nothing, nothing, nothing,
Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing...(fades out)

But if you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing,
For the love you bring won't mean a thing,
Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing.

Ohh baby sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing,
For the love you bring won't mean a thing,
Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing.

2 lines-Thought: Eager

2011-07-25T12:58:00.002-04:30

...to create colorful and intense shapes with you

to feel like you are worth it

I Could Easily

2011-07-24T17:01:00.003-04:30

Jump?

I could easily fill this wall with red paint, cut some pieces of shiny sparkly paper and paste it all over, making some kind of frame to then fill with silly pictures.

I could easily throw away my clothes, and buy hundreds of green outfits to make some kind of statement of how I wish I could feel every day, green.

I could easily cut my hair and make some kind of weird master piece for someone who might worship the lenght of things, like hair... Cut it because of the release or just because I actually can.

Easily, with no hesitation, like changing channels and moving pillows around, things that are done with no big preparation and for no huge purpose. A way of spending time that I wish could be my way of spending my life.

But instead, satisfaction gets frustrated by planning and manipulating, for so many of us that are so afraid of other people's actions and intentions... Are we all up to hurt? Or just try to be free? And about me... I'm just doing my best to love each and every one of my motives.

I could easily act with no previous agenda or possible consequences, thinking that if it makes me happy then there's nothing wrong in it... and when I do, when easily comes this easy, the world shows me how not-ready it is, for me and my actions... for me and my easy and loving way to live.

Lyrics by Depeche Mode

Put it on
And don't say a word
Put it on
The one that I prefer
Put it on
And stand before my eyes
Put it on
Please don't question why

Can you believe
Something so simple
Something so trivial
Makes me a happy man
Can't you understand
Say you believe
Just how easy
It is to please me

Because when you learn
You'll know what makes the world turn

Put it on
I can feel so much
Put it on
I don't need to touch
Put it on
Here before my eyes
Put it on
Because you realise
And you believe

Something so worthless
Serves a purpose
It makes me a happy man
Can't you understand
Say you believe
Just how easy
It is to please me

Because when you learn
You'll know what makes the world turn

Unwrap

2011-07-22T23:15:00.001-04:30

I guess that if you could unwrap me you might think the answer would just jump right in front of you, but let me tell you this, it won't. Not because it's hidden deeper than what it seems, it's juts because what I'm telling you, is exactly what it is.

There are no more ways to prove to you why this is what it is, but letting you choose and giving you time, time that surely I know how to give, but knowing that this time the only difference is that I'm the one to blame, and I ran out of options to make things right.

I'm covered in colors, all the time, but you can see through them, you've always been able to, you just wouldn't do it. Underneath these colors there's just me in a different but still real essence, the same you met and the same you still care about.

All that's left is this present, a very distant and hurting one, one that I can't figure out or fix... Never before my hands felt this tied with you. So all I have are these words, words that you know are real, but you're still not sure if believing in them is your best way to go.

Lyrics by MCS

Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm speaking figuratively, of course..
Like the last time that I committed suicide.. social suicide..
Yeah, so I'm already dead on the inside,
But I can still pretend with my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.

I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.

(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm riding hard on the last legs of every lie,
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect, and I have learned to accept all my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral, yet deeply inept.

I want to thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds..
And all the things that don't get old..
Is it legal to do this? I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself through other peoples' descriptions of life..
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless...

(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling
we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise.
I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.

Sister soldier
You’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame
If I could ever repay you,
I would, but I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initiative.

God damn the liquor store's closed,
we were so close to scoring
it hurts, it destroys 'til it kills..
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.
(In this department)

Stare

2011-07-21T00:44:00.000-04:30

There must be a reason why we are so dragged to things we're leaving behind, I mean, if it's only logical, then why is it so addictive to stare?

So much passion and eager to go back
So wrong than it makes it so desirable
So easy and reachable

Everything that makes any sense and gives some perspective, tell us that there's no good back there, but we just wanna walk back and dig... crawl back and feel.

So much energy and hunger
So negative than it makes it so ideal
So tasty and divine

I give myself permission, knowing that I'll be punished in the morning, just to touch and feel what's right there, behind my foot steps... Just to remind myself of what I leaving behind, and how much love I feel for the wrong path.

According To Whim

2011-07-12T23:05:00.001-04:30

I'm sure I'll be the one to blame after rasing all this selfishness for my own... And why is it so wrong to have this kind of perspective? So raw and simple and with no hidden agenda whatsoever, just the seeking of something I want for a tiny little moment.

I've had enough time and used enough ways to explain the situation, but sadly we've had bad luck finding the proper path, because of course not everyone would share the same idea, or would like the same kind of treat, but we can only know after trying, there are no mean intentions behind it.

Maybe we just can't have it so easily, maybe we must risk and sacrifice in order to obtain, but is it so bad to hide behind this solution? Yes, I'm aware, I'm hiding, but I know.. so then again, is it so bad?

I'm sure this is just a stage, I'm sure it will transform into a different (and maybe selfish as well) pattern, but in the mean time I will seek for it, not believing in the risking and sacrificing. As simple as reaching out and grabbing what we both want, so I'll be good at that for a while.

P.S.: ... yep, pretty sarcastic lyrics. It is possible, I still believe in that.

Lyrics by John Mayer

Now that we are over
As the loving kind
We'll be dreaming ways
To keep the good alive

Only when we want is not
A compromise
I'd be pouring tears
Into your drying eyes

Friends, lovers, or nothing
There can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
There'll never be an in-between
So give it up

You whisper "Come on over"
Cause you're two drinks in
But in the morning I will say
Good-bye again

Think we'll never fall into
The jealous game
The streets will flood
With blood of those who felt the same

Friends, lovers, or nothing
There can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
There'll never be an in-between
So give it up

Hidden Agenda

2011-06-21T21:58:00.001-04:30

Why are you acting this way?

Like no one ever told you the truth

And you were waiting for them to laugh at the end of your reaction

Just don't give them what they want

Realize you kind of knew about it

It's been there since the beginning of everything

And it gets created behind every little action

Every little emotion

Every little reaction

As long as there's an idea there will be this plan

This program and this improvised method

For some things can never really be uncertain

We all know, we always know

Look behind your words and behind your thoughts

You'll find it there

Look behind those three words you didn't include in that sentence

Look within every single conversation

As random as can be

You'll always find it there...

... because, this hidden plan and these hidden reasons, work like gas to our soul.

In The Meantime

2011-05-29T22:16:00.000-04:30

Keep your feet right here,

while I go and figure out that other idea

just wiggle if you must

but keep the fall for us

Flooded Drums

2011-05-23T22:22:00.001-04:30

If someone gave you permission, would you come rushing?

If they told you you had the freedom to work on it, would you do it with a smile on your face?

What about the tools you'll use?

Would I feel a thing?

Physical pain?

Or just the common anxiety...?

If I told you I'm letting you seduce me, would you believe me?

If you knew I already gave you that ticket, would you make me notice?

What about the comfort?

Will I see it taking off as another late flight?

Will I try to keep a hold of it?

Or I just won't have the power...?

If you told me this has already begun, would I smile back at you?

If I knew you were already working around this, would I close my eyes and let you in?

Lyrics by Florence and The Machine

There's a drumming noise inside my head

That starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an all mighty sound

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

I ran to a tower where the church bells chime
I hoped that they would clear my mind
They left a ringing in my ear
But that drum's beating loud and clear

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder

I run to the river and dive straight in

I pray that the water will drown out the din

But as the water fills my mouth
It couldn't wash the echoes out
But as the water fills my mouth
It couldn't wash the echoes out

I swallow the sound and it swallows me whole
Till there's nothing left inside my soul
As empty as that beating drum
But the sound has just begun

As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder

There's a drumming noise inside my head
That starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an all mighty sound

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder

Keeper

2011-05-04T21:35:00.000-04:30

There's magic behind the will and trust, whether we choose to believe or not, there lays the power. So if I decide to give power to a pen or a new posture, it will gain that special description of why it meant something, to which I'd probably say: "Just because".

Behind the way I wake up, the order in which I change the channels, the messy/organized pattern of my room at work, my black high heels, particular songs and peculiar phrases, the dresses, distinguished laugh... Behind them, the answer... the meaning of one simple word...

...A word that became a status, a word that grew with nothing more than my will to make it important and valuable. The idea of spending some energy and time in each and every silly task, just for the porpuse of making it real, maybe just keeping it to myself.

P.S.: I'm still on vacation, don't buy this.

Lyrics by Oasis

I get up when I'm down
I can't swim but my soul won't drown
I do believe I got flare
I got speed and I walk on air

Cos God gimme soul in your rock 'n' roll, babe
Cos God gimme soul in your rock 'n' roll, babe
And I get so high I just can't feel it
And I get so high I just can't feel it
In and out my brain, running through my vein
You're my sunshine, you're my rain

There's a light that shines on
Shines on me and it keeps me warm
It gimme peace I must say
I can't sleep cos the world won't wait

Cos God gimme soul in your rock 'n' roll, babe
Cos God gimme soul in your rock 'n' roll, babe
And I get so high I just can't feel it
And I get so high I just can't feel it
In and out my brain, running through my vein
You're my sunshine, you're my rain

And I get so high I just can't feel it
And I get so high I just can't feel it
And I get so high I just can't feel it
And I get so high I just can't feel it

In and out my brain, running through my vein
You're my sunshine, you're my rain

Cakes

2011-04-29T21:14:00.000-04:30

200 g of butter

1 1/2 cups of sugar

3 eggs

2 1/2 cups of flour

1/2 cup of milk

1 teaspoon of vanilla

1 teaspoon of baking powder

Cream the butter and add the sugar, mix for a little while then drop the three eggs, keep on mixing, combine the flour with the milk slowing down the mixing, add the vanilla and the baking powder. Put in a pre-heated oven for 25-30 min and then check with a dry knife (put it in the cake and if it comes out dry, the cake is ready).

... and not even with a recipe I can make sure these cakes will come out the perfect way, my way.

How We Operate

2011-04-19T00:31:00.002-04:30

I swear to you I'll listen this time

I'll see things your way this time

I will follow up through your path, not so close of course

I'll do this you always ask me to do

And I'll wait for you to do things as you usually do

Not like back then, but as you learned recently

I promise I'll stick to how we operate

I won't betray my own soul

And I'll give you that peace

...that peace of being who you chose to be

Because this is how we operate

How we'll operate from now on.

You Just Wouldn't Let Me

2011-04-14T20:15:00.002-04:30

There were all of them

Each one brought something special

Something unique

Something important

Lights that were on and off for a while

But would always light up again

For this party of minds to be clear

Lighting each other's spaces

Joy after a song

Joy after a laugh

Joy after a well known answer

As a bunch of simple days with a touch of nothing,

nothing but regular seconds in company

But you just wouldn't let me keep the party going

You kept on throwing people out

You decided to rip off the lights and the sounds

You just wouldn't let me keep this friendship for the both of us

You Awake?

2011-04-10T23:26:00.000-04:30

Time moves faster, believe me

You remember the last time... don't you?

Remember how we made it through?

It won't be any different this time

We pulled it together back then

And then again, and so many times

For this to feel like such victory

Remember the feeling?

Just do what you need to do,

but hold on and stay with me

Just to make it through this one as well

H

2011-04-07T14:41:00.001-04:30

There should be some kind of warning around me, for people like you to stay away.

Because my actions are like claws and you are always standing so close.

There should be some kind of antidote near me, for people like you to heal after my touch.

Because this essence of poison that consumes my energy was spilled all over you.

I wish I could become a better protector from my own damage,

And avoid your presence to come this close,

Because so far, I don't have the solution to this war.

There should be a version of myself that could visit you only during dreams,

Because it feels like that would be the only way I could get near you without hurting you.

In the photo: Rosana Goerke

Lyrics by Florence

If you could only see the beast you've made of me

I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
Screaming in the dark, I howl when we're apart
Drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart

My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to howl
My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to

Howl, howl
Howl, howl

Now there's no holding back, I'm making to attack
My blood is singing with your voice, I want to pour it out
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hallowed ground

Like some child possessed, the beast howls in my veins
I want to find you, tear out all of your tenderness

And howl, howl
Howl, howl

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters

The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress
Until I wrap myself inside your arms I cannot rest
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hallowed ground

And howl

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters

A man who's pure of heart and says his prayers by night
May still become a wolf when the autumn moon is bright

If you could only see the beast you've made of me
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hallowed ground

Mr. Reason

2011-04-02T00:00:00.000-04:30

I'll be taking some days off

I'm a bit tired of being right

So let them know, I won't be here for a while

11:57pm

2011-04-01T22:40:00.001-04:30

I wonder how long it will take before this evolves, turning into whatever it will be right after.

Measuring time has been one delightful specialty, adding seconds with pride and energy, bringing the next moments closer together.

...And the branch could hold a bit longer, if I know how to move or if I improve this sweet technique of cheating words... words of my own.

I wonder how long it will take before my art consumes me, maybe bursting into a much better version of stained perspectives, or just a chain of constant surrender.

In the meantime, I hide from the details as much as I can, not afraid of forgeting them... Because they're always there.

I wonder how long it will take before this system of mine starts failing, giving up and just trying to put everything back together one more time.

Because will is all I've got.

Just Drink This

2011-03-28T20:42:00.001-04:30

You see?

This could actually work between you and me...

Just don't freak out if I stare without talking

or if I smile without reason,

keep on doing your thing

and let me do mine.

You see?

I could actually stay for a little longer

just before words start yelling in a room...

Don't freak out if I'm right

Don't freak out if I don't move

You already know

There's shame on your plate

and I smile while you notice it.

You see?

This is already working

We could actually get this done.

Spin

2011-03-27T22:20:00.001-04:30

Bake a cake

Dye your hair

Learn italian

Buy a backpack

Smile at strangers

Go out dancing

Become a bartender

Eat more grapes

Join an acting group

Use red lipstick

Get a plane ticket

Quit your job

Finish that book

And then just spin.

Ego

2011-03-20T12:37:00.000-04:30

I want to apologize

Look down as I say I'm sorry

For this I've done to you

For draging you to this place

For steping on you without mercy

For filling you with such dirt

I want to apologize

Just breathe as I say I'm sorry

For sinking us in this mud

For letting you break that way

For dropping stains on your shirt

For not listening to you

And for hurting you as I did

Loaded

2011-03-12T09:21:00.000-04:30

We can't ever merge

Because she breathes during the day

And I beat during the night

She carries this weapon all the time

and her eyes don't ever rest

as if I meant any harm at all

And for all they could do together

Just all that's contained in a silence moment

for her not to stop breathing

Thanks John

2011-03-08T11:47:00.002-04:30

Every once in a while a song appears like this and it generates a growing faith in my head. Could be a song I've heard before, something a bit familiar, or just a brand new tune; but a song that transports me to that scary, dark and unknown place deep within myself. That place I can't ever find, getting lost every time I try.

I can't remember right now when was the last time a song like this came along and did that, maybe if I start thinking I'll come up with many, but I'm choosing not to, because I need and wanna hold on to the pureness of this moment, this moment that's making me travel to my dark place, on a direct flight with no confusing paths, just straight to the truth.

Because I forgot the main idea of my only cure to everything that hurts: to express without boundaries. Just leaving behind the fear of breaking things if I come up with one single sentence. Knowing me, and that one sentence would never be enough, releasing this monster that lives inside, a monster that has a name and all, that has become a person within me, and a monster that I just can't hold back... Gotta love it to love me.

So tonight, all of that contained in these lyrics, this melody and this song that gave me permission to do this, to just start saying.

Take all of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration

Take all of your so-called problems

Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army

Fighting with the shadows in your head

Living out the same old moment

Knowing you'd be better off instead

If you could only

Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You better know that in the end

It's better to say too much

Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say

Wrong Impressions

2011-03-02T06:29:00.001-04:30

As in different stages

First looks

First sensations

First reactions

As in a level system

First moves

Followed by first responses

And the first rush of excitment

Because at that first encounter things look one way

but as they move forward in our heads

they transform and they don't make us feel as before

Because no one seems to hold on to that first impression

That first connection

That first intent

And instead, all we get by the end is a bunch of wrong and distorted impressions

Earning This Bath

2011-02-27T01:41:00.000-04:30

Not like in some kind of race

Where the main point of the process is to get somewhere first

Not like that.

Because I've been first, second and third... and it really doesn't matter,

the sensations can always change.

And even when I still find it hard to believe

The edge is now farther than before,

like those little details in the frames of different memories

No matter how hard you try to hold them

they disappear.

I'm just demanding without persuing

Letting go without regretting

Loosing without forgetting

Because for a moment I felt like they all had me

They all kept a piece of me that I just gave away

Breaking apart

Vanishing as boiling water.

Not like fighting for power

Power that my head still thinks is worth having

Just making a connection between these lines and the inside of me

This inside that knows I deserve more

More than what I've been settling for.

I'm not removing the seeds from the fruit

but only eating what feels good in my mouth

Assuming these decisions as my own

and not something other people made me do

with my permission and my permission only.

Probably Me

2011-02-26T09:47:00.001-04:30

It's probably me...

Who thinks way too much about your last phrase

Who smiles before telling you the crap that goes through my head

The one that would steal your breath if only I had more courage

The selfish kind of human that would tear a kiss down

The one that would never be allowed in your mind.

It's probable me...

Who never truly faced the honest side of your words

The one that keeps on picking up the crumbs

From that wasted essence of bond that once existed.

It's probably me...

The number you felt like dialing a couple times

Who liked more one blink than the other

Who you will blame and judge

The one that won't ever get what you owe

Who will have to feed myself from pending ideas

The same person waiting behind a screen
Who felt like she deserved a bit of your attention

It's probably me...

Who chose lemon over cinnamon
The one who found herself away from you.

Lyla

2011-02-25T23:15:00.001-04:30

I'm getting to you

Reaching out and almost sensing your light

You're as close as air, air that I'm not sure I can actually hold on to

But you're around, closer than before.

I'm choosing not to avoid you

Giving you the opportunity to walk nearby

Surrounding me with your energy,

Such weird and inexplicable energy.

I'm starting to enjoy this

Seeing the good side of you

Making an effort to trust

Trust myself by trusting you.

Lyrics by Oasis

Calling all the stars to fall
And catch the silver sunlight in your hands
Come for me and set me free
Lift me up and take me where I stand

She believes in everything
And everyone and you and yours and mine
I've waited for a thousand years
For you to come and blow me out my mind

Hey, Lyla!
The stars are about to fall
So what d'you say, Lyla?
The world around us makes me feel so small, Lyla!
If you can't hear me call then I can't say, Lyla!
Heaven'll help you catch me if I fall

She's the queen of all I've seen
And every song and city far and near
Heaven help my mademoiselle
She rings the bell for all the world to hear

Hey, Lyla!
The stars are about to fall
So what d'you say, Lyla?
The world around us makes me feel so small, Lyla!
If you can't hear me call then I can't say, Lyla!
Heaven'll help you catch me if I fall

Because Is That Easy

2011-02-24T06:26:00.001-04:30

There's always one more page on a different notebook, with extra lines to write on... and if you run out of them, there will always be a new notebook to be bought. Because is that easy, it just is.

There will always be ice tea in that restaurant, or vodka in that bar, and if you find yourself not getting any, you can always move on to the next restaurant or bar. Because is that easy, it just is.

There could always be someone putting more lights over our roads, lights to make sure you know I can handle everything... and if you realize the lights are starting to disappear, there will always be me figuring out the situation... Because is that easy, or so it seems.

Because as much as I loose pens, hair clips and sun glasses I started loosing the sense of super manager, so diligent, so dedicated, so willing. Letting everything else steal my energy as I hold the broken pieces together, without watching them too close... Because is that easy, or at least I thought it was.

There's always one more ice cube, for that great tea or tasteful vodka, and if you figure out there won't be any more ice, and you need it, you want it, you really desire it... Go get it yourself, because is that easy.

Lyrics by Hey Mercedes

Cluttered little head and i'm living in bed
And I'm a-waiting on an operation
So help me operator, will you try it again?
I'm in desperation's arms
i know that's it's late and she's not awake
But I've never ever been more ready
... Pick up the phone

I gotta tell you
I remember one night in your parents' ride
Under the light of the passing airplanes
In the freezing cold a forever was told
It came out in plain air
So bottle never fear cause
I've commandeered the number of your new beau's home
But are you ever there?

Miss runaway
Get back to me
I've never needed you more than right away
Babe it's been a blast

My new muse, she'll be so unamused
But I've been bruised in the map of the memory
Maybe her mail's a remarkable mess
She'd get back to me by now
So bottle never fear cause

I've commandeered the number of her new beau's home
But is she ever there?
No

Miss runaway
Get back to me
I've never needed you more than right away

Babe it's been a blast
Write back
All the arguments are not the same without you
And I don't care if you don't care but
A messed up man must do what he needs to

It's been a blast
Write back
All the arguments are not the same without you
And I don't care if you don't care cause
A messed up mind must do what it needs to.

I'm Ready

2011-02-20T03:59:00.001-04:30

As my hand leading this finger towards the wall,

because there's a button to press,

for one action

for one reaction

As the final strawberry about to be placed on that cake,

because one perfect dessert has a final touch

for one unique flavor

for one unique sensation

As the perfect appereance in front of an early mirror,

because we make sure we're all set,

for one clean presentation

for one perfect intent

I'm ready

Baby, I'm ready

Lyrics by Depeche Mode

If you've been hiding from love
If you've been hiding from love
I can understand where you're coming from
I can understand where you're coming from

If you've suffered enough
If you've suffered enough
I can understand what you're thinking of
I can see the pain that you're frightened of

And I'm only here
To bring you free love
Let's make it clear
That this is free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love

I've been running like you
I've been running like you
Now you understand why I'm running scared
Now you understand why I'm running scared

I've been searching for truth
I've been searching for truth
And I haven't been getting anywhere
No I haven't been getting anywhere

And I'm only here
To bring you free love
Let's make it clear
That this is free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love

Hey girl
You've got to take this moment
Then let it slip away
Let go of complicated feelings
Then there's no price to pay

We've been running from love
We've been running from love
And we don't know what we're doing here
No we don't know what we're doing here

We're only here
Sharing our free love
Let's make it clear
That this is free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love

I Blame You

2011-02-04T02:21:00.002-04:30

Here's just a bunch of random thoughts, don't even try to make any sense of the following lines... We can't blame Annie for this post tonight. I'm just so sick of it.

I hate you for putting pieces together this way, appearing on these scenarios after you were just an invisible idea. Not strong enough to push my breaths out. Gone, you were gone and it was just fine, so why did you come back? For nothing, no reason, just as a selfish animal seeking for what it thought it needed. Freaking creature, just go away.

I hate you for these 20 minutes

I hate you for those 35 minutes

I hate you for the 17

I hate you for the printed shirt and the fake ideas

I hate you for the person you're not

I hate you for the demons in your head

I hate you for the ego eating you up

I hate you for the pretending of a fading life

I hate you for doing this to me

...Just a bunch of ideas and some deep breaths before posting. Because Annie felt like spiting out all of these sensations, just to see if they make any impression on them... like making them vanish for good. Vanish for good.

Current

2011-02-01T21:07:00.000-04:30

No blinking permitted

It will happen any time soon

Either this body will push down

Or the ground will suck it in

Pending

Current state: struggling with gravity for unknown reasons

Maybe just asking this force:

"When will you drop me?"

Life In A Picture

2011-01-29T12:36:00.003-04:30

The same question when it comes to giving shape to a morning thought: "What kind of person am I?" and then, "do I need to be just one kind of person?" and after that comes ""was that just an excuse?"

Because some go jogging in the morning, and some others stay in bed and make love; maybe think of the perfect breakfast in a delightful lazy state, but not me, not today. I'm thinking about this word "kind" and then trying to put these ideas together to bring out what the main point is.

Life in a picture, because when I push myself a little, short phrases of meaning come and this time it was the perfect line. Pictures are a piece of time put on some kind of material, representing just that: frozen time. But life (despite all my efforts) goes beyond frozen stuff, and has more energy than all my students together since 2004. So to express what this post is about, I'll say this: I'm the kind of person who thinks can live in pictures; like that granted innocence of pretending and trying to keep everything on its place.

But as I said, I don't really think I'm supposed to be just one kind of person (thank God for that); and for that when I turn around in my bed and confront ideas, I see how much I get the ending part of life. It ends, ends, ends... and again, ends, it ends. Because I seek for beginnings but avoid facing endings, like if I could support them all. So for those two kinds of person I just defined this morning, this line: stay more on that aware side of endings, because you can't just carry them all.

P.S.: I really need to stop when I know I'm done.

Lyrics by Florence And The Machine

Happiness / hit her / like a train on a track
Coming towards her / stuck still / no turning back
She hid around corners / and she hid under beds /
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled /
With every bubble she sank with a drink /
And washed it away down the kitchen sink.

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are comin' so you better run

Run fast for your mother; run fast for your father

Run for your children all your sisters and brothers

Leave all your love and your longing behind.
You can't carry it with you / if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses
'Cos here they come

And I- never wanted
anything from you
Except
everything / you had
And / what was left after that too / Oh!

Happiness / hit her / like a bullet in the back
Struck from /a great height

By someone /who should have known better / than that

The Hollow Collection

2011-01-24T20:50:00.000-04:30

Is it stealing when they don't realize what they have and then are missing?

Is it wrong to just use frames of moments that are not mine at all?

Are they to blame for the monster growing on my wall?

I'll fight him to death, just while I keep on stealing from you all

Collecting your magic has become my sweet addiction,

and for infatuations to fill this open chest, then collecting fits just right.

Is it weird to create your characters in my head?

Is it silly to provide answers in my mind before they hit you hard?

Are you to blame for this hunger of walking with your shoes?

I'll keep on posting you belongings around my room

Collecting each and every one of you who came to made it happen,

and for confessions to spread on the ground, then collecting comes in the perfect moment.

Lyrics by Carolina Liar

Don't you hope,
We can start again
Endings are old,
But they help you see
Can't quite believe,
All of this and what it means
You've become so bitter

You think you're better alone,
For the sake of your sanity
It won't hurt a soul,
If you just learn to breath again
You never had the nerve to begin with
You think you're better alone

Been here before,
seeking safety and something to blame
You feel so hollow,
You can swear that you've grown
Worth anything,
As big as your dream
You've become so bitter

Never had the nerve to begin with
Got to come to your senses

You think you're better alone,
For the sake of your sanity
It won't hurt a soul,
If you just learn to breath again
You think you're better alone
It won't hurt a soul

5 and Wave

2011-01-18T21:46:00.000-04:30

There's not much difference between you and me

Because we both wave our hands like this,

So would it kill you to let me sink for a little longer?

Just 5 more seconds.

Just before I let the air come in my lungs again

And release my thoughts to jump and hit free in my head again

Let me here for a bit more... just a little more.

I promise I'll stop thinking about cutting my hair.

I promise I'll return to sessions.

I promise I'll have the pillows take turns.

Just 5 more seconds in this magical state

Within silence, honest happiness and clever smiles

Away from shapes I could recognize.

Just a little longer...

Flare

2011-01-15T19:41:00.001-04:30

Turn them on, hold and stare

The heat gave it power

Some energy too intense to touch

And the anxiety of seeing how fast it was vanishing

It felt like that with you

and with you

...Because for a reason, I kept of pulling you out of this box

...until there were none left.

So I had the option to go get a new box of these,

or choose for a different way to amusse myself

...to find relief comfort

and I must say, besides missing the fun of it

I'm sure this will turn into something.

One Foot At The Time

2011-01-14T00:45:00.001-04:30

Make sure you check on me constantly

Avoid leaving my mind alone for too long

Please remind me of the good moments, nice moments

She will find it hard to go through

She will make up many excuses to erase good reasons

She will try to hide and run away

But you know better, and this attitude can only grow

Because more than an attitude of going forward

This is about using only the new stickers on the notepad.

2 lines-Thought: More

2010-12-25T13:59:00.000-04:30

We'll get tired eventually, and start again too

because for a reason, we rather see each other this way

No Refill For What's Left

2010-12-24T17:07:00.000-04:30

Too much with the same flavor

Enough of the same kind of texture in my mouth

When all I need to do is find a different drink

No need in emptying this particular cup

No big deal in drying the drops left all over

No urge in getting rid of it

Clear spaces between all I drank and what's left of you

Liquids dancing all over my body from (most admit) great memories

Bitting my lips just because I know you know

Enough of recycled kisses

Too much of your well-known touch

When all I must do is go ask for a new drink.

Self Talk Sessions

2010-12-23T02:02:00.002-04:30

I haven't been good with treatments, ever

To get sick, to fall for something, to swim into situations... that I'm good at.

Drown by the easiest sign and never finding the exit door afterwards, that's me.

But I began to feel interested in this particular deleting process,

one treatment that I could actually follow up and see what the results could be..

Kinda like trying to remove a sticker without the fear of breaking it.

...Because dear, you are too much of a mess for my body to handle.

...Because dear, with you it will never be enough.

My Bad

2010-12-21T12:36:00.002-04:30

I didn't know water had that effect if spilled on the ground

I didn't know blood was red

I didn't know finger nails could cause that harm

I'm sorry.. my bad.

Was I supposed to know that your ears were that sensitive?

Was I supposed to assume all this elements?

Was I supposed to nod my head to your perspective?

Well I guess.. my bad.

I forgot that I never lead

I forgot that I hid behind my fake smile to keep you near

I forgot that I was supposed to be happy as well

Then again.. my bad.

There's your truth, far away from what I won't take

Here's my blurry statement, far away from your will.

My bad if I let you use me again.

Lyrics by Alanis M.

are you still mad I kicked you out of bed?

are you still mad I gave you ultimatums?

are you still mad I compared you to all

my forty year old male friends?

are you still mad I shared our problems

with everybody?

are you still mad I had an emotional affair?

are you still mad I tried to mold you into

who I wanted you to be?

are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?

of course you are

are you still mad that I flirted wildly?

are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you?

are you still mad that I had one foot out of the door?

are you still mad that we slept together even after

we had ended it?

of course you are

are you still mad I wore the pants most of the time?

are you still mad that I seemed to focus

only on your potential?

are you still mad that I threw in the towel?

are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?

of course you are

It Will Grow

2010-12-09T09:08:00.001-04:30

For reasons I can barely understand, and ideas I can almost taste

For fantasies I can already dance with, and sounds that carry my sleep since last night

For my fingers to find joy and my lips to embrace silence

It will grow in me as seeds on the ground.

For lyrics that join my thoughts every morning when I think of them

For everytime I hold my will just because I wanna see what happens if I don't

For little secrets kept building one base of brand new honesty

It will grow in them as branches on trees.

For moments that are taken away

For what you don't expect from me

For memories that stand and pain that heals

It will grow in you as feathers on a bird

Preach

2010-12-05T04:40:00.002-04:30

I don't like goodbyes, but they don't really affect me so letting them go, shouldn't be as scary as I think it will be. Whatever I expect, they must go and I have to say goodbye.

I'm not sure for how long we were all merged into one single person, but I do recall the moments when I had the wonder to share with different "own" perspectives, true or not, very real... And now it's time to make them vanish, because being a hypocrite is just not the best option anymore. I forgot who I was within all these different and very adequate versions of my fears; I lost the main idea and I must find it again.

I no longer believe in me, what I do, what I don't, the reasons why I touch them or why I cry behind this screen... There's a continuous eraser between my realness and the facts I make up to avoid facing what bugs me, and these versions of myself are not helping, they just don't get to it.

I forgot what I was good at, or when was my best time to smile every day... I forgot how to receive a proper touch and feel it under my skin. My senses are no longer connected to my heart and I no longer understand what these impulses are pushing me through.

But even so... the clock won't stop, and these minutes and hours keep on pushing me no matter how filled with crap I am. Time is dragging me, making small breaks to ask me if I'm ready to face what I must fix, just to hear the same answer from me and keep on pushing me forward... I've been answering the same: I just don't know.

If I could come out of myself and believe my own words, my own perceptions and visions... If I could walk with time without asking it to stop every 5 seconds, just because it breaks my hear to see me this way... I would believe things could get better, just for that moment it would work.

It all comes down to two options: I either get myself dragged by time, seeing how my face gets crashed by missed moments, or I do something about it and start practicing what I preach. Risking what should be risked and not being afraid of loosing what I should just let go.

Lyrics by Anna Nalick

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

2 lines-Thought: Ready

2010-11-23T22:11:00.000-04:30

If I already got your storms on a list

where's our umbrella?

This time, lyrics:

Now that we are over as the loving kind
We'll be dreaming ways to keep the good alive
Only when we want is not a compromise
I'd be pouring tears into your drying eyes

Friends, lovers or nothing
There can only be one
Friends, lovers or nothing
There'll never be an in-between, so give it up

You whisper "come on over" 'cause you're two drinks in
But in the morning, I will say goodbye again
Think we'll never fall into the jealous game?
The streets all flood with blood of those who felt the same

Friends, lovers or nothing
There can only be one
Friends, lovers or nothing
There'll never be an in-between, so give it up

Friends, lovers or nothing
We can really only ever be one
Friends, lovers or nothing
We'll never be the in-between, so give it up
We'll never be the in-between, so give it up

Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
Anything less than "I love you" is lying

When No Beats Yes

2010-11-23T00:31:00.000-04:30

There's a small percentage of my continuous thoughts that is just not satisfied; and the blame goes from mouth to mouth, transforming into several excuses everytime I ask one of my different stages why.

I know the message is out there, you don't need to convince me anymore, I assume it.. the message is pretty clear, and I carry it with me wherever I go. But the point right now is not that I need to erase that... all I want is to feel pleased with this wrong 15% of consciousness, because I do.. and it feels great.

Like if I just want pizza, or a small burger, the urge of one piece of chocolate or endless bottles of wine; to desire and to obtain, as simple as reaching out for the remote.. Seeking for some release within these channels. Because it works, and I laugh at the rational side of me when it does.

No, it's not what I really want, but for the 20 minutes I spend convincing myself I shouldn't give in, I feel like I loose life as running water. So If I want to say no for a while, and if on a good day I feel great by doing it wrong, then I will and not only you're gonna let me, you will help me get it.

In the photo: My lovely Chan

Lyrics by Alanis Morisette

if I make a lot of tinsel then people will want to
if I am hardened no fear of further abandonment
if I am famous then maybe i'll feel good in this skin
if I am cultured my words will somehow garner respect

i would throw a party still it would not come
i would bike run swim and still it would not come
i'd go travelling and still it would not come
I would starve myself and still it would not come

if I'm masculine I will be taken more seriously
if I take a break it would make me irresponsible
if i'm elusive I will surely be sought after often
if I need assistance then I must be incapable

i'd be filthy rich and still
it would not come
I would seduce them and still
it would not come
I would drink vodka and still
it would not come
i'd have an orgasm still
it wouldn't come

if I accumulate knowledge
i'll be inpenetrable
if I am aloof no one will know
when they strike a nerve
if I keep my mouth shut the boat
will not have to be rocked
if I am vulnerable I will be
trampled upon

i would go shopping and still
it would not come
i'd leave the country and still
it would not come
i would scream and rebel still
it would not come
i would stuff my face and still
it would not come

i'd be productive and still it would not come
i'd be celebrated still it would not come
i'd be the hero and still it would not come
i'd renunciate and still it would not come

Vienna

2010-11-20T03:14:00.001-04:30

I found something tonight, an exam from highschool in my box of stuff I keep. It was a physics exam about stuff I don't even remember anymore. But the fact that I kept that exam reminded me of something tonight; I kept it because it was the only time I felt sure about something I knew, I didn't need to study to pass it with the highest score. I actually learned something back then... But tonight when I see it, I have no idea how I was able to work that out, I can't remember a thing.

How come I forgot about something I thought I learned so well? Even if it was nothing I would apply later on, I felt so sure about it that I kept the test 7 years later... why? to remind me about my great physics skills back in highschool? or what?

We forget, no matter what or how, we forget. Things that we wish we could still remember, we forget; things we love and treasure, we forget... Time has no mercy and it makes us forget, there's no option.

Tonight I realize that, I could forget so many important thing; things I'm so afraid to leave behind... But I do, and there's no option once I just leave them behind. And maybe instead of forgeting, I'm just assuming endings, like when I no longer cry for that movie.

Lyrics by The Fray

The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in
We smile for the casual closure capturing
There goes the downpour
Here goes my fare thee well

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Only so many words that we can say
Spoken upon long-distance melody
This is my hello
This is my goodness

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
Is there really no way to reach me
Am I already gone?

So this is your maverick
This is Vienna

Cheater

2010-11-19T00:03:00.001-04:30

There's a line I like to step on, it changes when I do, and it moves around when I don't... like trying to find my feet again. When I'm on it, things move around with no trouble, life doesn't need me to react just to stay on. I'm a part of it whether I want it or not.

While standing on this line, certain ideas are thrown at me, and my hands do their best to grab them all, trying not to drop them and keeping as many as I can. Ideas that I only play with during moments like this, tonight. Besides that, they are put away.

Ideas that tell me what I want but don't come from this line I keep on walking on, because I find it easily stupid to handle the whole deal just avoiding and repeating myself the ideas will stay there for whenever I need them. So I cheat on them by coming back to the line, over and over.

Because it is not real, it never really is. Just like all those nights, where what happens gets trapped in one hard and solid moment that won't extend, like gambling without betting.

The day will come, I won't push it or tell myself there's a deadline, but I will choose the ideas over this line, holding back this reaction and way of functioning, just to see what's so interesting about that particular change.

Wal in this photo and one explanation to one song that brings sense to all this:

Tonight

2010-11-14T21:18:00.000-04:30

What if we stay on this side of the story?

Basics

2010-10-31T12:59:00.000-04:30

Not sure if it's nature that makes us like this

or if it has something to do with genes

but there's a code that's written

one that makes us weak on specific spots

some kind of label with instructions

we all carry, on the back of our heads.

From objects to sensations

Whispers and sounds

We must have them, collect them

Own them and live through them

We all must have at least one of these.

Pages from a book of stories, maybe

or counted nights in one roll of hours put together

going back to the basic need

simple desire of one special thing we all want,

no matter what comes with it

even if it's pain, we feel it with joy.

Self Talk Sessions

2010-10-31T03:13:00.000-04:30

Where do you think you're going?

What are you planning on doing?

What's the purpose of building something night by night?

If there's nothing else behind this wall...

What do you think I'm trying to pretend?

Why do you believe in this hidding of realness?

Like if for a moment, you'd think we are made of plastic

No more than hard and rough components...

What a fantasy of walking forward...

How easy can I make this wall disappear in front of my eyes...

But how strong it feels when it shows up.

Habbit

2010-10-25T23:20:00.000-04:30

Of wanting to label and contain

Define and translate

Store and save

Preserve and admire

Collecting old uses of forgotten stories

Unloved phrases thrown away

Connections and meaningful spots

Too used to keep clear glasses

mixing liquids with solids

and hoping like a teenager for a perfect match

Granting whispers by fading words

words that scape from my head

just before I catch and hide

Habbit of keeping, holding

understanding,

excusing myself

for being this way.

2 lines-Thought: Granted

2010-10-23T11:35:00.000-04:30

Nothing new, and something I should have known better:

If you take me for granted, it's just because I want to

Divine Collision

2010-10-22T21:25:00.000-04:30

There's a division in my senses and structures

Two different corners for ideas to develop

Two versions of my will power

One that ask the other one for permission...

... to do these things...

... to think this way...

... to act like this.

One I face and the other one I struggle with

One that makes me lie constantly

and the other one that provides life so often.

While I support this side, there she is exploring secrets in my head...

Seeking for what I try hard not to show, and pushing me to fun and joyful extremes.

She does not care for the future

and there's just a few ideas she'd refuse.

... I just wonder what would happen if they merge,

... combined into one silver state to bring unknown thoughts to this surface,

... maybe just to risk a bit more.

In the photo: Wal & Mischa P.

Lyrics by U2

Magnificent
Oh, oh, magnificent

I was born, I was born
To be with you in this space and time
After that and ever after
I haven't had a clue only to break rhyme
This foolishness can leave a heart black and blue, oh, oh

Only love, only love can leave such a mark
But only love, only love can heal such a scar

I was born, I was born to sing for you
I didn't have a choice but to lift you up
And sing whatever song you wanted me to
I give you back my voice from the womb
My first cry, it was a joyful noise, oh, oh

Only love, only love can leave such a mark
But only love, only love can heal such a scar
Justified, till we die you and I will magnify, oh, oh
Magnificent, magnificent, oh, oh

Only love, only love can leave such a mark
But only love, only love unites our hearts
Justified, till we die you and I will magnify, oh, oh
Magnificent, magnificent, magnificent

The Station

2010-10-21T00:15:00.002-04:30

I look from side to side, people walking too fast to notice any sound. Layers of noise bring my senses into a state of alarm, some soft chaos that calls my name... I guess there's no option but to fall into it.

Was this the right station?

I remember memorizing the path, putting marks on each place and drawing arrows to lead the way. I guess this is the following stop, gotta make sure because once I step out, the train won't come back to the station... my only option would be going forward, with unplanned changes.

Is this the right station?

This ground should feel familiar soon enough.

2 lines-Thought: Touched

2010-10-18T22:50:00.001-04:30

I would have loved this awkward platonic interaction...

and get touched by some magical flirting.

Expired Playground

2010-10-17T20:55:00.000-04:30

I created this place, knowing exactly what I was doing... Some special areas for them to enjoy and fool around, fun and happy sounds to bring them closer together. They came.. as I thought they would, but not knowing it was going to become this kind of place.

One with unknown experiences, atittudes, answers and crushed sensations. One place that brought all of them to make me face my own fears and hide them just to keep them here, without moving too far away... Feeding this urge of company with the best of souls I could ever find; I always picked the best of them, no doubt about it.

They came and had fun, they developed many different sides of themselves while playing in this area of mine, maybe enjoying my presence, maybe just letting things flow without asking for too many explanations... Just a fun playground to be at. My very own feared playground.

I've been afraid of letting them go, for so long... because having them here has been good to me, and all the efforts I've made to make it happen have been joyful, in a very shitty way, I like doing what I do to keep them close to my special place, just because of the constant fear of being alone if I don't do the right thing for each one of them.

The right phrase
The right movement
The right answer
The right question
The right smile

All in a pathetic system that I learned too quickly... But got also too used to last..

I stand here tonight, in front of their laughs, wonders, doubts, different and huge opinions of what I've decided about this place... I stand here not caring about what they will think about this statement, beacause I got tired of being tired, tired of seek for them, and making the efforts most of the time. If the idea is to let them go, then please just do...

...I will sure enjoy all this alone green for myself. This playground has expired.

In the photo: Ruth

Lyrics by Depeche Mode (This lyrics have one different interpretation from the other lyrics I usually share with each post)

wrong

wrong

wrong

wrong

I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place at the wrong time
For the wrong reason and the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day of the wrong week
I used the wrong method with the wrong technique

Wrong

Wrong

There's something wrong with me chemically
Something wrong with me inherently
The wrong mix in the wrong genes
I reached the wrong ends by the wrong means
It was the wrong plan
In the wrong hands
The wrong theory for the wrong man
The wrong eyes on the wrong prize
The wrong questions with the wrong replies

Wrong

Wrong

I was marching to the wrong drum
With the wrong scum
Pissing out the wrong energy
Using all the wrong lines
And the wrong signs
With the wrong intensity
I was on the wrong page of the wrong book
With the wrong rendition of the wrong look
With the wrong moon, every wrong night
With the wrong tune playing till it sounded right yeah

Wrong

Wrong
(Too long)
Wrong
(Too long)

I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place at the wrong time
For the wrong reason and the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day of the wrong week
I used the wrong method with the wrong technique

Wrong

A Gift

2010-10-12T03:02:00.001-04:30

This is the story of a gift left on the floor, brown medium size box with blue glitter on it. They both walked by it a few times, didn't notice it was just laying there, weird forgotten wrapped present just left on the floor.

They wondered about it a few times, walked around it a bit closer, because it was just there on the floor, like if no one else was suppose to take it. Just a gift that people forgot to take with them.

The fear or holding it was so, that they got inside and jumped in, just to see what was laying inside that weird squared thing always surrounding them. They were in it, just for the exact time before making it vanish, never understanding what that was all about.

Just a gift, left in the middle of the floor... too small to care for it, too shiny to look at it, too real to even think about it. A gift that stayed there to never be touched.. ever again.

Burn out

2010-10-03T21:47:00.001-04:30

When it lights up, feels warm and safe... like two pieces that belong and match together, special parts that attract each one, coming together as perfect syncronization. Just for the time this last, I give myself in.

But then it goes away, because its time has been measured previously. And while the sun comes out, with no more fire to feel, I stare at your sleep and gaze with such sensation, one that just then I realize, will stay with me a few days, until my brain pushes away and I see you again.

Because when it burns, sparkles shine on your breath, my hair between your fingers and this invisible desire to stay. Just before it burns out, I take all these ideas and admire them, because they are so rare and so sensitive that you fear them... Now we both leave and the fire burns out, leaving me wondering for how long my mind can take it.

Lyrics by Oasis

Born on a different cloud

From the ones that have burst round town
It’s no surprise to me
That yer classless, clever and free...

Loaded just like the gun
You’re the hero that’s still unsung
Living on borrowed time
You’re my sun and you’re gonna shine

Talking to myself again
This time I think I’m getting through
It’s funny how you think
It’s funny when you do

Lonely soul
Busy working overtime
Nothing ever gets done
Specially when your hands are tied

Lonely soul
Baking up your mother’s pride
Nothing ever gets done
Not until your war’s won

Jagged [1]

2010-10-01T23:10:00.006-04:30

This will be a series of posts about the record of my life. Each song, each line, each sound; because with all of her songs I feel like everything has been said, and every word defines me... It's me sharing the album of my life. I'm going to break thesongs down from my own perspective one by one, because I think some have heard the record, but they still haven't actually heard it.

[1] All I Really Want.

We can give in so easily to other people... people and what they need, want, expect... like if a big gigantic eraser would be chasing us, us and our needs, desires, expectations.

We give and fight back, because we wan't to avoid it.. Not compromising, holding back, expressing things loud and clear... Us and them.. a continuos struggle.

And I wonder... all the time, what the hell do they want?

The song:

http://tinysong.com/tdWC

The Lyrics:

Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter
And all I really want is some patience
a way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the maker
And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred
Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around.... all around
Why are you so petrified of silence
Here can you handle this?
Did you think about you bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're going to die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need now is the intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer
All I really want is some peace man
A place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice.....

Push

2010-09-30T22:18:00.001-04:30

I remember the sound of your feet on the floor, as a sign of anxiety... With no rhythm at all, and with those childish shoes, I could only notice them after you stood up and walked to the train.

I remember meeting this idea of who you were, a name, special thoughts, bad habits, tough voice, weird laugh, big and crazy family, incredible goals and perspectives... All these details I could think of while we both waited...

I remember my controled movements trying to act normal, telling my mind to lower her voice, for my thoughts could be too loud, filled with lines about you... And just one command I did my best to avoid: Talk to him.

I remember the scenarios I created in that short moment; trying to guess what your mind was telling you, probably something about the time and the train system, maybe how uncomfortable the bench was... or maybe how annoying the silence was.

I remember you leaving on that train, and me waiting for the next one... As a regular mechanism I go through, waiting for something to push me and make my mind act for me. Maybe next time, maybe not with you, but maybe with more courage.

Lyrics by Oasis

Paint no illusion, Try to click with whatcha got
Taste every potion cos if you like yerself a lot
Go let it out, Go let it in, Go let it out

Life is Precocious in a most peculiar way
Sister Psychosis don't got a lot to say
She Go let it out, She Go let it in, She Go let it out
She Go let it out, She Go let it in, She Go let it out

Is it any wonder why princes & kings
Are clowns that caper in their sawdust rings
And ordinary people that are like you and me
We're the keepers of their destiny

I'm going leaving this city, I'm goin drivin' outta town
You're comin' with me the right town
To Go let it out, Go let it in, Go let it out
To Go let it out, Go let it in, Go let it out

Is it any wonder why princes & kings
Are clowns that caper in their sawdust rings
Cos ordinary people that are like you and me
We're the builders of their destiny

So Go let it out - Go Let it in
Go let it out - don't let it in
Go let it out - Go let it in
Go let it out - don't let it - don't let it in

The Bug

2010-09-29T01:17:00.000-04:30

I tried, as they told me... to live a different experience, one with a variety of dimensions, one with deeper sensations...

I tried and it felt good, maybe too good... because for that moment I forgot about the other good I had felt before, a well known good, one that I owned every single ocassion...

I tried leaving the bug in my room while I ran outside to explore this other thing, and it felt good... perhaps too good for what I expected...

I tried.. and trying is great... but the taste afterwards felt more like a bunch of nails in my chest, as the excuse for that so shared phrase of living for the not loosing...

I tried but now I wanna go back, to my superficial bug, this condition of not compromising my heart, avoiding the cars that go by and the idea in my head...

... the idea that says that at some point I will have to try it one more time.

Lyrics by Alanis Morissette

You like snow but only if it's warm
You like rain but only if it's dry
No sentimental value to the rose that fell on your floor
No fundamental excuse for the granted I'm taken for
Cause it's easy not to
So much easier not to
And what goes around never comes around to you
You like pain but only if it doesn't hurt too much
You sit...and you wait...to receive
There's an obvious attraction
To the path of least resistance in you life
There's an obvious aversion no amount of my insistence
could make you try tonight
Cause it's easy not to
So much easier not to
And what goes around never comes around to you
To you to you to you to you to you...
There's no love no money no thrill anymore
There's an apprehensive naked little trembling boy
With his head in his hands
There's an underestimated and impatient little girl
Raising her hand
But it's easy not to
So much easier not to
And what goes around never comes around to you
To you, to you
get up get up get up off of it
get up get up get up off of it
get out get outta here enough already
get up get up get up off of it
wake u

But You Don't

2010-09-28T02:29:00.000-04:30

There are different ways to notice

Some ideas that I could think of to see

observe...

Some I've borrowed, some you could use

Because after every move I make you could notice me

After every unique step I take you could observe me

Right when I make something become special you could see me

But.. well..

And my efforts feel good

And when I plan them, I feel good

And when they are executed, it feels good

And just then you should notice, observe, see...

But... well...

I guess I could walk by you again
but my imagination just won't go that far.
Our roads could meet again, and my spirit could do its thing
just a great scenario to make us glow for one night

But... well.. you won't.

2 lines-Thought: Out

2010-09-19T23:28:00.001-04:30

Even when it becomes a struggle,

they all leave the cage eventually.

Supposed To

2010-09-18T01:21:00.000-04:30

As mechanics,this should work in a certain way. One step after the other, and reactions brought by each situation. Mechanic as every single system, this is supposed to work the same way... just as these lines, that just as the lines before, go to one particular name.

Because after things like that we're supposed to talk in a certain way, act like this, react this other way, give time to god knows what, think differently, feel differently... we're supposed to.

Just like if afterwards, someone changes the channel and it's time to watch a different kind of show, one with different and unknown characters, people that we're supposed to become for one another just because.

As mechanics we are supposed to respond, and stepping out of those lines is supposed to be wrong, feel wrong, considered as wrong... because we're supposed to change the whole perspective from one day to the other, and sadly knowing that we do.

Just for tonight I wish I didn't have to do what I'm supposed to do, just say it, scream it and think it; because I can and no one has told me otherwise... but I'm just not supposed to.

Lyrics by Radiohead

That there
That's not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

Sink For Light

2010-09-15T21:35:00.000-04:30

Tell me it was true, and I'll buy it
Tell me the sky is red and I will believe you
Tell me there's no December after this September and I'll take it...

Because my soul hears your silent voice
and your words always sound honest to my ears.

Tell me there's a king coming to clean up this mess
Tell me I'll find answers if I sink in this water
Tell me I will always reach out and touch you if I need to...

Because there's one simple and well known line
one that describes this trust and blind believing in you.

Tell me about weird creatures and funny thoughts
Tell me about everlasting nights and purple lips
Tell me about sad memories and regrets from that 11th
Just tell me what you think I should hear...

Because I could just throw myself to it... everything
knowing that the brave in me only comes out in the greatness of your words.

Album With Cards, No Pictures

2010-09-13T23:08:00.002-04:30

This post could be like one of those songs that suddenly plays on the radio, and a bunch of people see themselves surprised as they all sing along. Just the beauty in the repeating of coincidences, within memories.

Picture an album with cards instead of pictures, with plastic pages and individual spaces for each card, transparent plastic where to put the cards and see them easily, at first sight. Easy to take them away and put them back inside, a collection of cards that sometimes gain interest and some other times they get too boring to watch. Moving cards in and out, out and in.

Whenever there are no new cards coming to the album, we enjoy watching the cards we already have, those cards that we have placed on the first pages because lately we feel like staring at them; and remembering there are some old cards that once were in these first pages, but for the moment are not very fun to stare at.

An interesting sensation while thinking about certain cards, and how they became what they are now, going from old and forgotten pages to be renovated and placed back in the first pages just because the fun of staring at them feels the same, and changing the position of the cards can just entertain us for a while... and also avoid those hidden cards we rather put in the last pages, facing down.

Lyrics by Kids In Glass House

Is it so hard to remember
When we go back to September
We were
We were like.

You're a throw back to forever
In your denim jeans and leather
Yes you
Yeah we were like.

All these things that you like to leave behind
All these things that you like to leave behind.

And if it matters at all
If it matters at all
You'll wait until your first time
You'll wait until there's something wrong
Cos you'll always be the one who says
Goodnight, Goodnight, (Goodnight).

I'm watching
I'm choking
As you took a draw back on a cinder
Hanging limp between your fingers
We were
Yeah we were like.

As you crashed out as a heartthrob
When you woke up in a day job
We were
Yeah we were like
We were like.

All these things that you like to leave behind
All these things that you like to leave behind.

And if it matters at all
If it matters at all
You'll wait until your first time
You'll wait until there's something wrong
Cos you'll always be the one who says
Goodnight, Goodnight, Goodnight.

And if it matters at all
If it matters at all
You'll wait until your first time
You'll wait until there's something wrong
If it matters at all
If it matters at all
You'll wait until your first time
You'll wait until there's something wrong
Cos you'll always be the one who says
Goodnight, Goodnight, Goodnight

2 lines-Thought: Pop

2010-09-10T23:45:00.002-04:30

I did this to myself believing my plan was all figured out

...I guess I must fix it now.

Perfect Gift

2010-09-10T13:50:00.001-04:30

If I could make it appear, form into a beautiful shape, make it move, wrap it and send it with little notes to you, right to you...

I would think of nice things, nice words and phrases... so this present becomes a pleasant one, a present that wouldn't make you cry so often, or get frustrated, but instead.. a present that would bring many constant smiles to your face.

I would think of great music, fun and meaningful songs so this present represents that musical storage I'm sure would make you float on a cloud to imagine great spaces, great moments.. because this present would be able to take you there, whenever you wish to.

I would think of kindness so this present is nice to you, treats you right... Because my magic would do that for you, and I believe it is what you deserve, something that is kind, leaving aside all the trouble other people have communicating and making efforts to be honest... my present would just be kind to you.

If I could just get it done, create this for you, I would.
If I could have it born and be ready for your time to be happy, I would.
If I could make it a surprise that could change your rutine, I would.

Because I know what's not right for you, I know it by experience, very well... so if I could just use some magic to create the perfect gift for you, I would.

Why Not?

2010-09-07T21:42:00.000-04:30

I stopped that kiss from being sent, and I felt like my flesh was betraying my soul... Because I wanted that kiss to reach the target, so bad. And now all my head gets flooded with these questions and doubts, of when and why I should do things like this again.

Because we question everything, and pure honesty seems to be as selfish as possible, turning this whole deal into such a terrible thought. If we want these things, why can't we just assume them? Not getting them would be a relief, but forbidding the choice of just wanting feels so black.

Like covering the eyes of sincerity, and forgeting how human we all are just by wishing as simple as we can. I could jump ahead and see myself stopping more kisses like that one, and still asking myself in my mind why I would keep on doing so.

Decorating

2010-09-03T21:12:00.003-04:30

The pure fact is that there's no influence I could represent, no buttons I could press and make the ball move around, I never had that power over you. We both knew and know.

But back then the pieces were too far away from each other to make any sense out of our puzzle baby, just too distant to call each other and get together, fitting for many expected answers.

Now, the puzzle hangs on my wall where I get to see it when I want to. I know it's there, always, because the nails I used to make it stay you gave them to me, and you'd only give me the strong ones.

Now I could decorate us in fun ways, because we know each other's manners and performances, like a constant role play, without the lying or the crappy stuff... just pure and honest fun.

...we know each other's manners, which makes the idea of this post, just a fact that you know very well, and no words are necessary to explain our behavior, our responses, our sarcastic chats.

What I feel you know, and also that these goodbye words are already written on a letter that I take in my purse, because I'll wait for you to ask me.

...Meanwhile, besides smiling for good times nearby, I'll decorate my eyes for strangers to think there's some kind of sadness fallin on my head... at the end they're used to it.

2 lines-Thought: Riot

2010-09-02T00:09:00.002-04:30

They gave me 15 min to start a riot, just to bitch about the things I'd change tonight:

Our puppet positions and me being ok with his new future.

Before It Ends

2010-08-31T23:26:00.000-04:30

...because it does, and I've learnt to smile at ending moments, even if my minds keeps track of every detail.

That night I wanted to say it all, right before we closed our eyes

Back then I wished I told you I felt happy, and warm with your arm around me.
My mouth so wanted to smile at you and kiss you, right before time would come and take us away.
I should have... I really should have.

...Kissed you a lot more.. maybe hug you more,
but instead I'm regreting and staring at this other me laying on my right that says it was supposed to be that way.

There's no order or sense in my lines, not tonight
Just because this sad moment will end and vanish
just as we did that evening, when I should have hug you a bit longer
... kissed you a bit longer.

But instead I'm bending my knees closer to my chest
seconds away from sleep and new hours of mixed thoughts.
Because they will come, less and less but they will
reminding me that moments will always end, but it doesn't mean I can't just be.